Gratitude

As a stepparent, it is often not clear what actions are appreciated, well received, mocked or observed with bemusement. In the past 7 months, I have realized that when I would expect the girls to be pleased by something, they often are not. Other times when I think that an action or effort is really insignificant, they are thrilled. In these early stages, I find that there is little rhyme or reason to their reactions. For a person that considers herself a good judge of people and their reactions I find myself at a loss with reactions of children. As I am still learning the stages of child development and finding that the girls are growing faster than I can read, I have made the decision to trust my instincts, focus on what I believe is right and take comfort in the fact that I am doing the best I can. Basically the old pep talk we received ourselves as children from our parents and mentors when faced with a huge task or challenge where no one can guarantee the outcome!

I write all of this because it relates directly to an experience I had last week with Allegra that took me completely by surprise and probably for the first time has given me a very different perspective on my role in the girl's lives.

When I attended the 2nd grade parent/teacher meeting two weeks ago, I was informed that I would be speaking to one of the mothers responsible for a project undertaken by all parents last year. The project was the creation of a crayon case. The picture above shows what it looks like. All parents were responsible for either knitting or crocheting the pockets that would eventually house the crayons. A pattern and colour scheme had been devised that would correspond to each crayon type - thus the bright colours. Once completed, the piece was sewn directly onto dark grey felt and finished off with having the child's initials sewn on the front. Both practical and very beautiful.

The parent showed me what she had done last year and discussed with me my options e.g. knit or crochet and how to get the pieces sewed onto the fabric and the project finished off. As I have not crocheted in longer than I can remember, I opted for knitting and we agreed that she would help out by sewing the pieces to the felt once I had finished. She would then hand it back to me to complete the project by embroidering Allegra's initials on the front.

To help get started, we agreed that this parent and some others also heavily involved in the project last year would come over to my house after drop off, along with one other new parent, to help get us started.

For those of you that have been reading the blog, you may remember that we took over this house unfurnished without any appliances. I even included a picture of our kitchen with the industrial 3 burner camp range that Trecey uses in the mountains of Utah when cooking for 30 people on dinosaur digs each spring that was doubling as our kitchen stove. I am happy to say that we have now graduated to a proper stove but that really is about it. So the thought of having these mothers over to our very basic house was of concern to me. I mentioned rather sheepishly that we were still getting settled and I was really comforted when the mother in charge of the project said to me, 'Christina, I give myself two years to get settled. You have plenty of time left'. I was grateful to her for that comment but still rushed around tidying and trying to make the house look as impressive as possible.

So, the mothers came over, showed me how to get started and then they started talking about their children. I have to say I was in awe of these women as not only are they clearly very dedicated parents but they are so well informed about child development, pedagogy, current research into child development, open about their own children's learning difficulties etc. In fact, one of the mothers has a PhD in Early Childhood Development and is a reading specialist! I kept saying to myself, at least I can run a retail business in 52 countries successfully, for what it is worth, in order not to feel totally dwarfed by these amazing people!

Interspersed with my inner dialogue, I sat there knitting my little squares listening intently realizing that I really have a lot to learn. It made a big impact on me.

As I did not have anything to contribute to the conversation, I had a chance to sit quietly and listen, which helped me to get 4 of the 40 squares completed. I was pleased as I had made such a good start and felt well on my way towards getting the project completed. When the mothers left, they mentioned that I could get back to them whenever I had a chance to finish all 40 squares. No hurry.

Allegra had mentioned to me a couple of times that I would be asked to make this crayon case for her but really only in passing and had not mentioned it for some time. So, I did not have the sense that this was particularly important for either parents, the teacher or even for Allegra.

However, I was enjoying myself and coupled with my strong type A personality, I felt motivated to get this project finished as quickly as possible. Later in the day when Aurora was sitting down to write her multiplication tables flash cards, I decided to sit next to hear and resume my knitting.

As I took the project out of the box, the girls suddenly stopped what they were doing and just stared. At first I did a double take, as it was not clear to me what they were looking at. All of the sudden, Aurora said, 'that is so beautiful' and looked at the knitting with a sense of awe. Allegra, eyes wide, walked slowly around the table and carefully took the knitting into her hands. She then looked at me and said, 'Mama, that is beautiful. You are awesome! You knit so well. You are making that for me? That is so great, I can't wait to use it.' She was clearly enthralled.

I observed, almost in disbelief, as the girls continued to stare at the four little knitted colour squares and shower me with compliments on the work completed thus far. I thought to myself, this is no effort at all. Why is this so important to them? What makes this so much more special than all of the other things that I have done over the past 7 months? Whatever it was, it meant something to the girls, particularly Allegra. However, as time passed I realized that she had not even begun to show how excited she was by this project.

As I resumed knitting, Allegra sat down right next to me and started looking at all of the colours in the box. (I had been given a big plastic storage container full of coloured wool, patterns, straps of felt and other materials related to the project.) She then came upon the colour scale, which showed the sequence we were to follow, took it out and examined it. She asked me a few questions and then realized what it was for. She observed my knitting very carefully and then started taking out the balls of wool that I would need, in colour order and set them on the table for me to easily access. Once she observed how I changed colours, she then started unwinding the balls of wool and laying the new colour thread directly on the piece that I was finishing with so that she could both participate and help me out, all the while saying 'it is so beautiful. Thank you so much. You are awesome'. After a time, she tired of standing next to me and asked if she could sit on my lap. I agreed but told her that it might be difficult as I was knitting so she would need to perch on one of my knees. She willing agreed and even when I kept accidentally poking her with the end of one of the knitting needle, did not want to move away!

I was amazed. It had never, ever occurred to me that she would respond to this knitting project is such a profound way. I was also overwhelmed by her complete attention and focus on what I was doing and her wholehearted gratitude for the effort I was putting into getting this crayon case completed. She wanted to be near me and be a part of the process as much as she possibly could. It was so touching.

Needless to say, I stayed up late and completed the entire knitting project that evening. Trecey and I even turned the house on its head looking for a wool needle so that I could finish it off and hand it back to the other mother in order to get it stitched onto the grey felt background. No luck but at least the knitting was completed.

The next morning, the very first thing that Allegra said when Sven woke her up was 'Papa, I think Mama might have been able to finish my crayon case last night' to which Sven proudly answered, 'yes, she did'. Allegra was thrilled and came to see what had been completed in the night.

What Allegra really wanted to know was when she might be able to use the case in class. I explained that it had to go through a few more steps before it would be ready but with luck she could have the crayon case by Monday. It was Thursday morning. Allegra said sincerely that she hoped it would be ready soon, as her temporary case was difficult to use and not nearly as nice. I said we would do what we could.

When we went to school that morning, I decided to return the excess wool to Allegra's class teacher. As we were walking out the door to school, I collected up the big plastic box that the wool came in and started carrying it across the street. When we reached the steps leading up to school, Allegra asked if she could carry the box herself. The steps up to school are quite steep and there are a lot of them so I asked her if she was sure she really wanted to do it. She was insistent so I consented. Sure enough, Allegra carried the box all the way up the stairs, down the hall and proudly presented it to her class teacher saying, 'my Mama finished my crayon case last night', to which her teacher replied 'Already?' Allegra beamed and said 'yes. She did it in one day!' She was so proud and again, I observed her with amazement.

With the help of the other mother, we managed to get all of the final touched completed that same day. When Allegra awoke on Friday morning, sitting on her desk right next to her bed was her crayon case, sewn, stitched and embroidered with a big A and a big S with a small flower. She was so delighted with the outcome. She kept it with her while she got dressed, brought it down for breakfast and kept it with her until she left for school. At times, she would hug it and stroke it as if it was the most precious thing she owned.

Nothing more was said about the crayon case until breakfast the next day. We were all sitting there talking about something unrelated when Allegra said to Sven and I, 'my crayon case is the most beautiful of all. The crayons fit perfectly. Many of my classmates are jealous that my initials are bigger and that I have a flower stitched next to my name. None of them have that. Mine really is the best and by far the most beautiful.'

Creating this crayon case took very little effort on my part and in fact, I had a great time making it. What I was unprepared for was how much I learned from this experience. Firstly, through listening to the conversations of the mothers whilst they were at my house. Their depth of knowledgeable and passion for their children’s education was impressive and went some distance towards creating a new picture in my mind of what motherhood could look like and what being a mother could mean.

Secondly and most importantly, making this crayon case meant so much to Allegra. I am not sure if it is because I made it by hand or if it is because I made it just for her. Perhaps it is because, as her mother figure, I participated in the project in the same way the other mothers in the class did and that gave her a sense of ‘normality.’ I really do not know why it is nor am I sure it is even important for me to figure it out. The fact that Allegra treasures it so much is enough to tell me that as a step parent, rewards will come at the most unexpected times and in the most unexpected ways. That we do make a difference in ways that is most unexpected and unpredictable. This was a big turning point for me on my journey as stepparent and as mother to these little girls. I find that I am suddenly viewing my role in their lives in an entirely different way. I have felt involved thus far as I see myself as a committed and hard working person. This experience taught me that it is much more than that. I am truly grateful to Allegra for teaching me this.