At the end of the second week of school, Aurora came home and we knew something was wrong. She was on edge, being very sharp with her sister and speaking to Sven and I as if everything we had to say was either obvious or just dumb. Her apparent annoyance with us was so obvious that it crossed the line and started getting her in trouble.
My first instinct was to try and find out what was wrong through gentle questioning and probing. No luck. That evening, Sven and I had been invited to attend a new parent orientation and all school meeting. As we live directly across the street, we informed Aurora that we were going to be away for 45 minutes and that she was in charge. We would pop back in every 15 minutes or so to check on her. When she received this news, she burst into tears, claiming that everything is sprung on her, that she is never informed about what is going on and that she is treated so badly by us. Wow!
The next morning, Aurora awoke in the same state as the day before. She was so shape with us all, exasperated by everything and then crossed the line and was rude to her father. Final straw, she was sent to her room.
About 10 minutes later I went upstairs to find her sitting on her bed, crying. I asked her again what was wrong and she stuck to her story. So, I changed topic and talked to her about tone, delivery, rudeness etc. knowing full well that the real story was going to come out soon.
Sure enough, it did. Aurora sobbed and said that the girls in her class, particularly the one that she likes the best, had been mean to her saying that the new girls were weird. No one asked her to play and when she invited herself into the group, she was not encouraged to remain. Also, another girl that she really likes was very public in saying that she did not want to be her cello partner when asked. Aurora said she really likes the school but no one likes her and she does not understand why.
She was so upset. This was what was really going on. We talked about it for almost an hour and I made an extra effort to listen to everything she had to say. Once she started to settle down, I cancelled household chores (which is enough to cheer any child) and we decided to have a Grimm's Fairy Tale read-a-thon.
What to do? I remembered one of my first conversations with the mother of the girl Aurora likes the best. She told me that they had experienced something similar most of the previous school year with their own daughter upon joining the class. The mother had taken it upon herself to research what could be done to help the teacher, class parents and the other students to behave in a more constructive and positive manner. Her inspiration was that 'you don't have to be bullied to become a grown up'. She was committed to having some form of Social Emotional Inclusion programme adopted by the school as her research showed that such programmes are being introduced into school around the world, including Waldorf schools at a fairly rapid rate. I remembered at the time being totally struck by this notion and wanted to learn more.
As it relates to Aurora, I decided to pick up the phone and call the mothers of the two girls that she had mentioned in her recounting to me. I did not know what would happened and I figured that it was better to make such a call and receive an earful then allow it to continue. I did not know what was coming my way.
I spoke to both mothers who heard my account of what happened with respect. They both thanked me for being brave enough to make the call and promised that they would speak to their daughters at once. There was no judgment or recrimination from them as to how Aurora might or might not have behaved. It was simply that they acknowledged that something had gone on between their daughters and Aurora and it needed to be discussed. One mother mentioned that they had spent the past year using some of the techniques and tools being taught in the Social Emotional inclusion programmes and saw this as it a great opportunity to now put them to the test.
The next morning (Monday) I received an email from one of the mothers at 7:00am. She told me that the conversation had taken place with her daughter and that on her own, she admitted that something had gone on and was very embarrassed by the role she played in it. The daughter had also come up with a way of apologizing to Aurora and making sure it did not happen again. She went into a bit of detail as how she and her husband handled it, which I found fascinating. Most importantly, she assured me that her daughter was going to do the right thing.
We left for school an hour later. Aurora shoulders squared, marched with conviction up the stairs and to her classroom. She had no idea of what had gone on but being whom she is was determined to make the best of it. I went home and waited.
At pick up, the 4th grader that ran to me was a totally different person. Aurora was pure sunshine. I asked her about her day and she said she loved it. She had had a wonderful time. I did not press for specifics nor did she offer any. All that mattered was that she was so happy and felt so good about her new school and herself. This has continued today, three weeks later. She loves school, loves her class and comes home each day thoroughly motivated by her new experiences. She also feels included.
What these mothers did is incredible. They listened to my story and did not allow their own protective instincts to get in the way of ensuring that the right thing is done. They also tackled the issue head on with their own children and used a very progressive and gentle approach to getting the girls to reflect on their own behaviors, decide if it was the right thing to do and then determine what the right course of action should be. Then follow through.
These mothers did this because they believe that children have the capacity to learn from an early age how to do the right thing through self-awareness and self-management. Children do not need to behave from their lower selves and bully or be bullied in order to make the passage to adulthood. Lord of the Flies behavior does not need to rule.
I am grateful to these women for the swift and decisive action they took. I am guessing that the way they approached the topic with their own daughters was constructive - it was clearly effective - as there was no back lash towards Aurora or in fact any negativity whatsoever. Whatever language and behaviors was used, it encouraged reflection and a commitment to the right course of action. And follow through.
I have since joined a group of parents, including these two mothers, who have committed themselves to getting a social emotional inclusion programme introduced into our school. The belief that it will create a common languages for teachers, students and parents alike to use to foster a more respectful and productive environment where everyone can learn and grow (and that includes teachers and parents!!) is strong and there is plenty of evidence to prove that it will be worth it.
Aurora is happy. As a new parent, I feel fortunate to be at this school at this time as such a programme is being discussed. There is so much in there for parents to learn - I feel that my education is about to be elevated beyond measure.
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