Home Alone

Life continues to move on a pace around here. We have been in Mill Valley now for three months and there seems to be no sign of things slowing down for us. As a new family, in a new state, with the children going to a new school and me being back in the US again after a very long absence etc, every week continues to be a series of first experiences and new adventures.

The most recent new experience happened just last week and it was the one I have been fretting about since we married 8 months ago. Sven returned to Wisconsin last week for 6 days leaving the girls and I on our own for the first time since we became a family. Although things have been going very well and we seem to be very comfortable with each other, I have to admit that I was quite anxious about being alone with them independently. The entire ‘What if’ book of issues and concerns kept going through my mind and in spite of my best efforts, I struggled to drive them away. I kept using my old reassuring standby inner dialogue ‘what is the worst thing that could happen?’ I was amazed for discover that in this case, I could think of quite a few scenarios. Not good ones at that.

What was I really afraid of? Interestingly enough, none of the things that might concern some people. I did not fear us experiencing a natural disaster or something close to that magnitude. I trust myself to handle emergencies and unexpected major events. What I found myself worrying about was what I would do if the girls suddenly decided that it was not so nice being with me and started acting up. What if they cried each night because they missed Sven and took no comfort from having me there? What would happen if they decided to disregard me in my position as parent and stop listening to me? I was so concerned about that particular point that I even had a dream boarding on a nightmare that Aurora purposely disobeyed me in a rather serious situation and defiantly refused to listen despite my best efforts. I awoke so stressed out! I used to have similar reoccurring dream that my staff in some of the big stores I used to manage, would also not take direction from me and simply stand there while I implored them to get going. I would wake up stressed and worried. I found myself distressed to discover that this same dream layout, once reserved for work, was now showing up in my personal life.

As with all things in life, it reaches a point where the best course of action is to just live, trust and allow the situation to come to you. So that is what I did.

Departure day arrived and after dropping Sven off at the airport, I returned home in time to collect the girls from school. Wednesdays are particularly busy for us as the girls sing in the Marin Girl’s Choir, in two different locations in the County. If it was not for the generous help given to us by Loring and Keith, one of Aurora’s best friend’s parents we would struggle to make it possible for the girls. They take Aurora to her lesson so that we can concentrate on getting Allegra to her group on time. However, once Allegra is dropped off, it is a mad dash during rush hour to pick up Aurora. Then back to collect Allegra by 6:00. Needless to say, our first night together was so busy that we did no have time to really notice that Papa was not around.

However, during the extensive car journey, I did find myself doing what I used to do with my staff. I started mentioning to the girls the way the I saw the week unfolding: what we needed to accomplish and what I would like to do; how I imagined us getting it all done etc. In other words, laying out my game plan for the week. They listened politely and did not respond. As I kept rattling on, I noticed that they were not really following what I was saying. They would nod and say, ‘ok’ or ‘that sounds good’ but actually did not seem to be even concerned about whether I had a plan or not! They seemed content to sit there and in fact, I think they would have preferred to discuss something entirely different.

After awhile I just stopped talking and started to reflect on what was happening around me. It was so refreshing and in some ways reassuring that they reacted as they did to my ‘game plan’ as I realized that they were not really that concerned about the week without Papa at all. First lesson learned. The children trust that I will keep them safe and that I have a plan.  I cooked dinner and got the girls off to bed on time. End of day one.

The second day, we experienced a series of 'firsts' such as getting the girls ready for school; making lunches; picking them up and spending time together in the afternoon; making dinner and bedtime prayers. I have been involved in each piece of the daily routine at some point over the past few months but never responsible for the entire routine before now. My concerns about how the girls might respond to me seemed to be unfounded. Their attitude towards me was excellent. They were very helpful, willing, fun loving and polite towards me. Even more than usual, perhaps. It was delightful and very affirming.

However, in terms of how they were being with each other, it was a different story. The girls were constantly arguing with each other and being very competitive. Even once they were in bed and the lights were out! That was the first time I had to really step in and tell them to stop. I was relieved that they responded to me exactly the same way they would if Sven had been around. In fact that was the very last time they even bickered the entire 6 days!

By day three and beyond, things were going very well. We had established our routine and were all helping out to get the dishes washed, house tidied etc. We had also become comfortable being together and it felt very natural for us to be living in this way. It was wonderful in fact. We ended up having all sorts of adventures over the remaining days before Sven’s return including building two IKEA tall chest of drawers, cleaning out the girl’s closet (terrifying experience I have to say), going to a Harvest Fair, getting a flat tire from somehow getting a razorblade stuck into it, getting a tow truck to come and help us, to shopping for sweaters because it was chilly to rescuing cats etc.

By the time Sven arrived home, we were a real little unit and had worked out such a comfortable and efficient way of being together that the girls even said to him, ‘when we are with Mama in the mornings, we don’t have to rush’. When Sven told me that later in the day, I felt quite pleased with myself!

The week had gone by very quickly. It was quite remarkable and I was so grateful it had gone so well.

The second and most important lesson that I learned is that these little girls already accept me as their parent, without question. All of the angst, concern, ‘what ifs’ and basically, fear, that is being experienced is mine alone. It is not to say that when they get older there won’t be moments when they tell me that, as their stepmother, I don’t know what I am talking about. Or that they don’t like me or that I have bad taste in music, clothes etc. It is just that it is not as complicated for them as it is for me. I am their father’s wife and a person that is kind to them and works hard to make their lives as wonderful as possible. They have happily embraced me in the role of mother. End of story.

Even after all of these months, my fears, questions and concerns around how things might or might not work out between the girls and me still exist. I am, like so many people I would imagine, influenced by the stories of how the relationship between women not related by blood interact in the same household. Whatever stereotypes I might believe in and whatever experiences I had as a child with my own stepmother are unique to me and fortunately do not play a part in our step mother/step daughter dynamic at this point.

In spite of all of my doubts and concerns, my actions are those of a fully committed person. I feel so lucky to have two such interesting, intelligent, trusting and alive little girls to help guide though the early phases of their lives and beyond. I count myself equally lucky to know Maya. It will be interesting to see how the journey unfolds.