Yesterday was a day of profound discovery for me. I found myself asking the question, 'at what point do girls stop speaking up for themselves'? When do they lose the reflex to speak what is on their minds and blurt out 'stop that!' or 'I don't like that' and allow those that are older, those perceived to be stronger, 'better' etc do whatever they want? Does it have to do with age or personality or a combination of both?
On Friday afternoon as I was sitting in the church watching the girls prepared for their chorus recital scheduled for later that evening. All the girls were in their black performance dresses, their hair had been beautifully styled by our friend Loring, who has a lot of experience with that sort of thing. Aurora was standing in the second to last row, right in front of the row of the oldest girls in the chorus.
I noticed at one point that an older girl in the very back row kept flipping and messing with Aurora's hair. What caught my eye in particular is that she did it over and over and over again. I sat there watching, just waiting for the normally outspoken and confident Aurora to turn around and tell the older girl to stop. It never happened. She just stood there and let her do it and did not turn to either encourage her to continue or to give her any indication that she should stop.I asked Aurora during the break if she minded that the girl was flicking her hair. She responded by saying 'No, it doesn't really bother me' while shrugging her shoulders and tilting her head to the side. Now, I am not a body language expert but that gesture gave me every impression that she did in fact mind. I could be wrong but as time was limited, I did not push for more specifics.
By contrast, Allegra was sitting one of the chairs that lined the side of the church where girls her age were asked to sit quietly and wait their turn. At one point, she had stood up and firmly told another girl something which I could not hear then started to really wrestling with her. I naturally intervened and discovered that the other girl had taken Allegra's name tag off the wall and would not give it back. Allegra was not going to allow it to happen, come what may.
Yesterday whilst visiting new friends at their exquisite home, I observed a similar sort of dynamic. Little Allegra voiced her approval and disapproval of all sorts of things while Aurora, even when being sprayed by the jets on the hot tube, said nothing.
The constant between both situations is that slightly older girls played a role. It seems that girls entering into pre-teenage years have shifted their focus from just themselves to watching older girls like hawks and mirroring many of their behaviours and habits. We also saw this at our new friend's house as her daughter is 13 and she had a 14 year old friend, with serious teenage angst there to play with the girls. The 14 year old was very moody, negative and grumpy. After spending about an hour with the girls, Aurora took on the behaviours of the 14 year old and morphed into a person we have never seen before! Moody, inarticulate, borderline rude to all those around her including our host. Not typical behaviour by any standards. I realize that this is an entire Blog entry unto itself but I mention it as these two situations had older girls present and Aurora seeming to lose the power of speech and to stand up for herself.
Understandably, personality can play a role in how direct a person remains as they enter into the confusing pre-teen and teenage years. However, what I believe I am observing is not personality related, rather more centred around something more powerful. Does it have to do with wanting to please? To be accepted? A desire to fit in? Not drawing unnecessary attention to one self? I am not entirely sure.
I am committed to trying to find a way to help Aurora (and Allegra of course) keep her will strong, her sense of self in tact and most significantly, her voice as she enters into this potentially confusing period of her life. It is what has driven me to write this blog entry in the hopes that readers may respond with ideas, insights, ideally answers as to why our girls feel that they suddenly have to muzzle themselves for a period of time e.g. pre-teen, teenage, twenties and possibly beyond until they learn to regain their power again and speak up for themselves. In some instances I am good at standing up for myself and speaking my truth. Not always though. As such, I am aware that I do not make a great role model for the girls because I too, at around the age of 12, lost my voice am continuing years later to try and regain it. It would be so wonderful if together we could come up with a plan to break the cycle.
9 comments:
One further comment I wanted to make on the entry is that I also intend to do some research into developmental stages of girls at this age and read up a bit on what the professionals have to say on the matter.
I sincerely hope that readers do leave comments as 'real life' experience is priceless.
Hope to hear from you soon.
x
Christina… it’s fascinating and I’m looking forward to reading previous entries.
I’m most surprised at this entry, because I was wondering the same thing about myself recently!!!
Truly, I was reflecting on some of the things that happened to me when I was an early teen and wondered about how they still may affect me today… about where and how I hold back or lack confidence that I do believe was more “pure” when I was younger.
It’s so tough… “socializing”… and then there’s the impending sexuality!!! Yikes!!!
I want to think more on this – but for now just wanted to respond quickly to acknowledge the synchronicity...
I want to say that we can not under-estimate the models we allow our daughters to be with. As girls go in to these pre-teen years, they need positive role models. The role model could be the person watching from the fringe that something is not right and then stepping in. If truth is present, all will know. I too have a pre-teen, older than Aurora. Why is it we feel ok about sheltering our small children from inappropriate behavior, but feel it is ok "once they are old enough". As a parent, mentor or adult in a child's life, it is our place to shelter and allow them to find their voice before feeling self conscious. Maybe the choir in this setting (with the older girls) is not the place for them. Maybe a younger choir would be more appropriate.
Good luck. Lori
Christina,
Many thanks for taking the time to write and ponder in words this very significant issue, especially for girls and women. For I do believe that it is a gender issue as well, with a socialization element thrown in. Thinking back on my own young years, pre-adolescent, adolescent and young woman, I see myself looking outside myself for approval and acceptance as I gradually left the safe harbor of home and had to figure out how to fit in with peers and navigate my way in the larger world.
What I unconsciously decided on was to do whatever I needed to do to look and act like others using other girls and, later on, other women in my social circle as role models. I got very good at imitation and learned a lot of skills along the way. The cost however was silencing my own inner guidance and wisdom, over riding it if you will to the point that there was almost complete self-alienation.
It wasn't until my thirties that this system broke down to the point I HAD to do something/shift something or I would be in big trouble. This was the change point in my life where the external locus of control wasn't working anymore and yet I didn't have anything to replace it.
Over the succeeding twenty or so years I drastically changed course, periodically sought therapy,got divorced, entered graduate school, remarried, started my own business--all major life events based on my own inner knowing, each step easier and more freeing as other people's opinions and judgments became less important. Not that I wouldn't listen respectfully, but I took full responsibility for the final decision.
All these life experiences and my own choices have freed my voice and self confidence to the point where I am at last comfortable in my own skin and can usually hold on to myself, my core, no matter the external circumstances.
I think what I am saying is that it is a developmental path for each of us as women, taking into account our unique needs for affiliation and relationship building. While males have such a path as well I think it manifests differently for them. Maybe check with Sven about this.
I appreciate your being so observant and sensitive with Aurora and Allegra as they move along their developmental paths from being internally focused to being externally focused and eventually back to internally focused in a more mature way.
Comment, question, intervene if necessary, trusting in your own good instincts and in their ability to eventually master as well would be my advice for what it is worth. After raising myself and two daughters, what you describe sounds so familiar! My final words are that it is an ongoing process, this getting to know and express our true selves, which makes life such an adventure--never a dull moment!
Lovingly,
Nana Suzannah
Great topic. I have a younger daughter - Katya who turns 9 in August.
What I relate to most in your original post is the idea that if the parents - my wife and I - model speaking up around all issues, especially WITH EACH OTHER - and do it skillfully, then they will absorb and likely follow. If I am shut down around my wife, or she with me - my children are absorbing it like sponges, the spoken and the unspoken. And if I shut down around uncomfortable issues with my children they will take on the unspoken energy as well.
I feel that this is such a weak point of all educational systems - and it is so crucial for us all to learn...drawing boundaries in a clean way. And being able to skillfully, compassionately communicate to one another when there is conflict, as opposed to shutting down and growing
resentful. When I think about times I did not speak up it was when I
was not sure how to say "no" in a loving way - or without really
hurting the other and possibly making the matter worse. The lack of
confrontation in my family of origin kept me quiet and afraid to rock the boat. So by the time anyone did speak up it was because we could not contain the tension any more. At that point the
annoyance/hurt/frustration had magnified and grown into rage.
Therefore, the reaction to possibly a small issue was a huge outburst
that perpetuated the idea of just keeping our mouths shut. The negative pattern was then validated as "best to just keep quiet - look at that mess! I completely overreacted and now what have I done?"
I have had to work on this a lot to break those old patterns. It is a
big part of the art of living.
The best gift I can give my daughter is the modelling of drawing
boundaries in a skillful, open way by living that way with ALL people.
So challenging - and rewarding when I do it. And I see my daughter - SO
FAR - doing the same.
Thank you for the inspiration - it's getting late - goodnight
It seems that during adolescence the brain is in an intense period of change and learning. So just as we play as young children do (pretending to cook or drive a car) we also try on different hats and ways of behaving, feeling, acting as we "find" ourselves during the teenage years. So when your oldest daughter took on the attitude of the grumpy teenager she was sort of trying on a new hat. And she learned somethings-- how it feels to act like that and how others react. You are right-- she is also pushing aside her own opinions and personality for the moment--but it is a valuable lesson/test for her to learn from and find out just what her personality and behaviors are. I do agree that women tend to hold in their own opinions for a period of time and even lose their own voice (sometimes, unfortunately, forever). But those that don't regain their voice and assertiveness have other issues going on. What I mean is that I think this time is a period of adjustment as your daughter figures out just who she is. She will take all these experiments and put the results to good use. She will use the lessons she processes to create a sense of self. I say let her try on the hats-- and she will find the ones that are just right for her and the one's that are uncomfortable. With all your love and support she can come out of this period with a strong voice. Great post!
Thank you everyone who commented on this topic. I have learned so much from reading your posts and thank you for taking the time to share.
Rose and Gavin, thank you for joining the discussion as well. It seems that your view about children having to try out new attitudes, behaviours, ways of speaking etc is very true.
Since writing this blog entry and reading some of the comments, I started observing more particularly when unnoticed. It was interesting for me to see that not only ways of speaking and behaving were being tried out but also facial expressions, ways of preen the hair etc.
The adventure continues....
Warmest wishes to all
What an important question this is. Lyn Mikel Brown and Carol Gilligan took up the question, what do girls give up on the way to becoming women?" and wrote the book MEETING AT THE CROSSROADS : WOMENS' PSYCHOLOGY AND GIRLS DEVELOPMENT. The book looks at what goes on with girls when they lose their voice.
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