My Schunemann Family Adventures

Direct Marketing and Children

2010-05-24T17:18:00.000-07:00

As an adult and a member of the business community, I understand the logic behind companies buying lists of names in order to prospect new market sectors. I also understand that particularly in these times, attracting new customers or even getting existing customers to shop is a challenge in itself and direct mail is one way of doing this.

Personally, I grumbled whenever I open my front door and find that I receive, on a daily basis, a mail shot from one company or the other asking me to take up some promotion or offer in order to entice me to become one of their customers. It is not so much that I mind being asked to review a promotion rather the fact that all of their efforts end up in my recycling bin. By the end of the week, my recycling is full and that is the biggest issue I have with this practice. The environmental impact of direct marketing is staggering. The Center for a New American Dream published the following statistics:

5.6 million tons of catalogs and other direct mail advertisements end up in U.S. landfills annually.
The average American household receives unsolicited junk mail equal to 1.5 trees every year—more than 100 million trees for all U.S. households combined.
44 percent of junk mail is thrown away unopened, but only half that much junk mail (22 percent) is recycled.
Americans pay $370 million annually to dispose of junk mail that doesn’t get recycled.
On average, Americans spend 8 months opening junk mail in the course of their lives.

Those statistics alone are enough to call me to action. However, when one of our daughters received a direct mail shot for car insurance recently, I realized that something had to be done.

We came home from school recently to find this letter on our doormat. Two days later, another arrived this time from the National Institute of Surveys. The way both letters were addressed matched the spelling I used to purchase two subscriptions for our daughter last summer. One was for Highlights magazine and the other National Geographic.

When I saw her name printed on these letters, all sorts of questions arose for me: How do these companies get this information? Who is selling this information? Could it be the children’s magazine? That is the first one that sprang to mind. Also, why would a car insurance company believe that mailing a very under-aged child would be useful? Isn’t children’s information supposed to be protected? Are the privacy laws in the US so relaxed that even children can be targeted?

After all of these years of seeing the direct mail pile up on my doormat and simply throwing it away I suddenly realize that by just putting it into the bin, I have done nothing to help change the system. Having recently moved from Europe to the US, I have not taken the time to research what I can do to reduce the amount of junk mail we receive as a family. The environmental aspect has always bothered me greatly but I have not known where to begin. Seeing our daughter’s names on such grown up communication pushed me into motion. It was time to act.

The first thing I did was to call the Highlights and demand a review of our daughter’s account. I wanted details and an explanation as to how this could have happened. I also wrote to the other National Geographic, (as I could not find their phone contact details anywhere) also demanding a review. As I am sure you can imagine, dear reader, I did not get any answers on the first, second or even by the forth call. Undeterred, I remained insistent and really stood my ground: I wanted to know how a child’s information could be sold in the first place and what purpose there could possibly be in passing that information onto an organization that can not hope of having them as a customer for many, many years to come.

After about two weeks, I finally started getting some answers. Highlights assured me that they have a very, very strict privacy policy on children’s privacy and that children’s details are never shared with any organization. Parent’s details are sold on but it is done carefully and the two lists are never blended. The person that I finally spoke to was the head of direct mailing for the entire group and she conducted a full review both within the organization and with the direct mailing company that they use. She stated that had there been a leak, Highlights would be prepared to enter into legal proceedings, such is their commitment to the protection of child data. They even took it a step further and contacted the car insurance company only to discover that National Geographic had sold the information. Someone would be in touch.

Whilst I had been in contact with Highlights, I had also started writing to National Geographic. I have to say that I am very disappointed by the service they provided us as customers of their publication. Firstly, you cannot call them directly. Secondly, the first three letters I received from them were generic form letters. It seems that no one even took the time to read what I had written, or even tried to address the fact that they had sold a minor’s details to a direct marketing house. Only after writing a blistering letter, mentioning something about the press etc did I get a response. The letter read that they had received my communication and someone will be in touch. Incidentally, I still have never heard back from them on the topic of protecting children whose parents or grandparents chose to purchase an annual subscription to the grown up magazine.

True to her word, I received a call from a senior member of the Direct Marketing Company. She factually outlined to me what had happened: Our daughter’s name was sold to the car insurance company and as it was on the main magazine subscription, there was no way we would have her opt out due to her age. Such a function does not exist. To assure me she said that she had contacted National Geographic and instructed them to remove her name and details from their database to avoid to it happening again. Simple as that.

As I finally had someone on the phone that knew what she was talking about, I quickly asked her how we can ensure that the girl’s information gets out of circulation altogether as quickly as possible. She told me about DMA or Direct Marketing Association that has a site which allows people to ‘opt out’ of receiving undesired direct marketing. I have included the link below. I also took the opportunity to ask her what we can do to also get the girl’s biological mother’s name removed from such mailing lists. She passed away some years ago. Is there anything we can do about it?

The advice I was given is as follows:

Go to the DMA (Direct Mailing Association), register you and members of your household and take your name off of the lists that you do not wish to receive mail from.

The link below will bring you to a page that offers a brief overview and will help you to get started. It not only highlights again the sobering statistics mentioned above, it also helps you to take direct marketing into your own hands and begin controlling what sorts of mailings you receive in future.

http://environment.about.com/od/greenlivingdesign/a/junkmail.htm

I am happy to say that, one month on, our doormat is clear of all junk mail addressed to any member of our family. We have managed to stop receiving any unsolicited mailings altogether. With the exception of new post addressed to ‘resident’, ‘current resident’ or ‘customer’. I am off to add those titles to our household names.

At what age do we stop speaking our truth? Is it necessary?

2010-05-04T13:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a day of profound discovery for me. I found myself asking the question, 'at what point do girls stop speaking up for themselves'? When do they lose the reflex to speak what is on their minds and blurt out 'stop that!' or 'I don't like that' and allow those that are older, those perceived to be stronger, 'better' etc do whatever they want? Does it have to do with age or personality or a combination of both?

On Friday afternoon as I was sitting in the church watching the girls prepared for their chorus recital scheduled for later that evening. All the girls were in their black performance dresses, their hair had been beautifully styled by our friend Loring, who has a lot of experience with that sort of thing. Aurora was standing in the second to last row, right in front of the row of the oldest girls in the chorus.

I noticed at one point that an older girl in the very back row kept flipping and messing with Aurora's hair. What caught my eye in particular is that she did it over and over and over again. I sat there watching, just waiting for the normally outspoken and confident Aurora to turn around and tell the older girl to stop. It never happened. She just stood there and let her do it and did not turn to either encourage her to continue or to give her any indication that she should stop.I asked Aurora during the break if she minded that the girl was flicking her hair. She responded by saying 'No, it doesn't really bother me' while shrugging her shoulders and tilting her head to the side. Now, I am not a body language expert but that gesture gave me every impression that she did in fact mind. I could be wrong but as time was limited, I did not push for more specifics.

By contrast, Allegra was sitting one of the chairs that lined the side of the church where girls her age were asked to sit quietly and wait their turn. At one point, she had stood up and firmly told another girl something which I could not hear then started to really wrestling with her. I naturally intervened and discovered that the other girl had taken Allegra's name tag off the wall and would not give it back. Allegra was not going to allow it to happen, come what may.

Yesterday whilst visiting new friends at their exquisite home, I observed a similar sort of dynamic. Little Allegra voiced her approval and disapproval of all sorts of things while Aurora, even when being sprayed by the jets on the hot tube, said nothing.

The constant between both situations is that slightly older girls played a role. It seems that girls entering into pre-teenage years have shifted their focus from just themselves to watching older girls like hawks and mirroring many of their behaviours and habits. We also saw this at our new friend's house as her daughter is 13 and she had a 14 year old friend, with serious teenage angst there to play with the girls. The 14 year old was very moody, negative and grumpy. After spending about an hour with the girls, Aurora took on the behaviours of the 14 year old and morphed into a person we have never seen before! Moody, inarticulate, borderline rude to all those around her including our host. Not typical behaviour by any standards. I realize that this is an entire Blog entry unto itself but I mention it as these two situations had older girls present and Aurora seeming to lose the power of speech and to stand up for herself.

Understandably, personality can play a role in how direct a person remains as they enter into the confusing pre-teen and teenage years. However, what I believe I am observing is not personality related, rather more centred around something more powerful. Does it have to do with wanting to please? To be accepted? A desire to fit in? Not drawing unnecessary attention to one self? I am not entirely sure.

I am committed to trying to find a way to help Aurora (and Allegra of course) keep her will strong, her sense of self in tact and most significantly, her voice as she enters into this potentially confusing period of her life. It is what has driven me to write this blog entry in the hopes that readers may respond with ideas, insights, ideally answers as to why our girls feel that they suddenly have to muzzle themselves for a period of time e.g. pre-teen, teenage, twenties and possibly beyond until they learn to regain their power again and speak up for themselves. In some instances I am good at standing up for myself and speaking my truth. Not always though. As such, I am aware that I do not make a great role model for the girls because I too, at around the age of 12, lost my voice am continuing years later to try and regain it. It would be so wonderful if together we could come up with a plan to break the cycle.

Hello Again...

2010-04-24T14:04:00.000-07:00

By now I am sure that many of you have passed the point of wondering why there has not been any updates on this blog since 15 January 2010. In truth, I feel exactly the same way. I have been wondering why I have not taken the time to write and update the site and as it has been such a long time, it is difficult to pin point the exact cause. I have decided to settle on the idea that it is amazing how full life can be and how consuming the daily grind can become.

What I would like to say is that for those of you that are still there, thank you very much. I am going to start communicating regularly and hope you will stick with us!

The good news is that we are still here and with each passing day, settling deeper into our new lives together. We feel blessed to be here, for having the opportunity to start fresh and for the community we have landed in. The parents at the girl’s school are not only caring and kind but also very, very intelligent, successful, generous, creative, ethical and inspiring and above all, kind. On that last point alone, it is often overwhelming to me how kind people have been to us since we arrived almost a year ago. For all of the hardships we have experienced in connection with our decision to move here, the community has provided us with so much in so many ways that even in the darkest hours, it works as a powerful reminder that there is goodness on this earth and that this choice of ours has been the right for us.

Add to that the breathtakingly beautiful natural surroundings and we can do little else but count our blessings daily.

What have we been up to in these past few months? Quite a lot it seems. The girls are growing like weeds. It is incredible. When I first met them almost two years ago, they were closer in height and weight to each other than they are now.

The area that we live in is rich in cultural traditions. As part of the school's philosophy, many different types of festivals and rituals are observed. Some we are familiar with and others are new. For example, Dia de los Muertas or the Day of the Dead is a very important Hispanic celebration that takes place each November. It is the Latin America's All Soul's Day celebration and it is a very big event indeed.

It was celebrated at school, where children were requested to bring in pictures and stories of those that have passed. I have to say Sven and I were not sure about this school event, for a host of reasons not least how it might effect the girls. When we discussed it at dinner one night, we were surprised to find that Aurora had already made the decision to bring in a picture of her paternal great, great grandfather and tell the story of his horse. Allegra had decided to tell the story of her other paternal great, great, father arriving in Colombia from Great Britain with his motorcar! It never occurred to us that they would have worked it out for themselves and in such an amazingly simple way. For a celebration that seemed altogether too somber and sad for our purposes, it went off without a hitch.

The Chinese New Year of the Tiger was celebrated at school, at Symphony Hall in San Francisco and pretty much everywhere else. The school held a mini precession through town with second graders taking turns in the head of the dragon. This picture shows Allegra’s legs when she was in charge!

Dan Fost, one of the 4th grade class parents, ignited a big debate in the press and the local community. Dan has been a journalist reporting on the tech industry for over 10 years and came out in March 2010 with a powerful article on media, child development and Waldorf education. I would really recommend having a read through it. If you copy and paste the link below, it should open up directly to the article itself.

www.sanfranmag.com/story/tech-gets-a-time-out

Music has come back into our house with a vengeance. My viola has been returned to me after a 20-year absence and I have started playing it again with great joy. My brother Isaac, who is living in California as well, is a very accomplished fiddle player, specializing in Irish Folk music. He has been teaching Aurora, Allegra and I a few folk tunes on our instruments of choice. Not only do we have a great, great time playing together but thoroughly enjoy learning to play this different kind of music. It brings variety and gives the girls added motivation as it is so much fun. Aurora loves playing folk tunes and they really resonate with her.

The impact of being exposed to this new genre of music was best demonstrated by Aurora who selected a piece taught to her by her Uncle to play for her visiting Godmother. Nothing like a bit of Irish tinged Bluegrass to make a great performance and on the cello!!

The remainder of the time has been filled with class plays, seemingly endless parent meetings and school functions, searching and finding work and the task of just living. And of course, the relentless devotion to our kittens, who really live the good life. Please stay tuned….

The Higher self

2010-01-15T22:12:00.000-08:00

As a leader of teams for many years, I have often found that the best way to motive or in fact inspire people is by presenting them with an idea, a goal or a mission that they can all participate in that is ‘bigger’ than their daily responsibilities, worries or complaints. Once people start thinking about something that is greater than themselves or has the power to elevate their thinking above the daily grind, the entire dynamic of the team changes: Motivation soars, people become much more creative and friendly, more work is accomplished and the work atmosphere is greatly enhanced.

Since becoming a parent, I am finding that children, even as young as ours, have the capacity to respond to a high call as well.

We experienced this initially when we introduced the cats into our household a few months ago. Up to that point, Allegra really struggled to complete even the simplest of tasks. We often believed that she was capable but unfocused or disinterested and as a result, even the most basic of chores like getting ready for bed was a struggle as it took forever! She would walk around the house, singing, picking up pencils and writing things down, talking, telling stories even after she had been reminded over and over again to just get her teeth brushed and into bed! It was both delightful to witness someone so engrossed in a child’s world and frustrating beyond belief.

Once the cats arrived, everything changed. She understood from the very beginning that they require constant care and that responsibility fell to the girls. Allegra has proven that she can be very diligent about feeding them each morning and evening, looking after their litter box and general well being. She really seems to understand that the amount of cuddles she both gets and gives the cats and the sheer joy they bring to her life comes with responsibility and the care. She has come to the conclusion that the work required to maintain them is a very small price to pay. We are delighted because the transformation has been amazing.

Aurora has shown her ability to rise up in a very different way. The school that the girls go to has a standing relationship with an organization called Empower African Children (empowerafricanchildren.org) that visit the US every two years. The tour is called The Spirit of Uganda and their mission is to bring their story and awareness of African life to Americans. The troupe consists of children ages 9 – 22 that have been orphaned by either AIDS or war or other tragedies and have grown up experiencing unthinkable difficulties. All of the performers attend a school that teaches them not only academics but also to be performers and they become natural ambassadors for the charity and their cause.

This group generally performs before large crowds only, in auditoriums all around the Western United States. However, they have an agreement with our school that allows them time to interact with American children. They come to the school for a day, spend time in the classrooms with the children and participate in a proper cultural exchange. In the evening, the exchange continues and the students in the school perform either songs or dances for the children of Uganda. Once the American children are done, the Ugandan children perform segments of their show for the school community. With respect, when the Ugandan children get started with their performance, there is nothing one can do except sit there in sheer wonderment and awe. They put on the most, I repeat, most amazing show you can imagine. The talent, physical strength, musicality, expression…it is an experience that is beyond imagination.

One of the other reasons why they are here is to raise money to fund children’s education as well as other projects such as building new schoolhouses etc. Even though they are visiting our school, the fundraising activity does not stop.

In order to contribute in a meaningful way, each class is responsible for coming up with some sort of fund raising activity to contribute to their cause. Sven and I helped the 4th grade by pulling together a walk-a-thon with very measurable targets, time frames in which to achieve those targets, a date to do the activity on and an incentive for when the walk was finished. We challenged each student to collect no fewer than 4 sponsors that would pay them at least a penny a step to complete the task. If each student collected the $13.72 from four people, they would earn around $54.00 and the class should be able to donate close to $1,000.

Aurora learned first in class that a fundraiser was being created by me and that the class would be able to get started the following morning. When she came home from school, she asked me straight away how it worked and once she understood what needed to happen, got to work collecting money.

I was not sure who she would go to but quickly observed that she had a plan: she would speak to all of the friends she had made locally e.g. the barber down the road, the woman that works in the checkout line at the store, our landlord etc as well as speak to family. I had to laugh when she called my parents as she did not for one second accept a single donation from the family. Instead, she spoke to both of my parents and my two brothers that are living at home and hit them all up for a contribution! I was very impressed, particularly as she was able to get even my Dad to participate.

All in all, she raised close to $400 and it is worth noting, the her class raised $2768! They ended up contributing half of what the entire student body collected in donations. I was so pleased with the way she approached the fundraising challenge and the attitude she demonstrated throughout the process. She really understood why the Ugandan children were here and what needed to be done so she set about raising money with incredible enthusiasm and focus. Aurora was very, very polite when talking to potential sponsors and was so clear when communicating her message. She really believed in what she was doing and she had one of the best weeks at school in a very, very long time.

Unfortunately, the 4th grade girls continue to exclude her, even after three months of being in the class. Whereas it used to upset her at the beginning of the year, she is now resigned to the fact that at recess they will play together and leave her out. The only time she gets upset about it is if one of the people that she sees as her friend is particularly mean to her. Otherwise, she just goes about her business during the school day.

At home, it is a totally different story. When she walks in the door after school, particularly on Fridays, she is visibly relieved. Our weekends are usually great fun and she laughs and really enjoys herself. Then, beginning Sunday afternoons, she begins to complain that she really does not wish to go back to school and says she would do anything to avoid returning. These laments continue until she is pushed out the door on Monday morning. It is really sad to see someone with such a love of learning feel this way about school. I am doing what I can through the parents in the class to help ease the way but more needs to be done and I am working on that as well.

What has been amazing to watch is how this fundraising activity has changed Aurora. She is so eager to go to school in the mornings and comes home each evening with stories of how her classmates are doing with their fundraising, when they are planning on doing the walk, who is going to do it with them etc. The past week, her speech has been filled with things relating to the Children of Uganda and she has been really happy to be part of something so special. Most importantly she feels very happy with herself for being able to participate in raising money for these children and you can see that it she takes both joy and pride in the amount of donation she was able to collect. At least for this time, it appears that the others in her class are also embracing this event and are all committed to succeeding as a group. When it was announced that the class has raised so much money and done it with such ease, the children were really happy and for the first time, I witnessed real cohesion in the group.

What the girls are teaching me time and time again is that doing something for the greater good or undertaking an activity that is bigger than self is transformative and not the exclusive domain of adults. From a relatively early age, children can understand and grasp the concept of helping others. They really have the capacity to take real pleasure in allowing their minds and hearts to expand beyond themselves and rise above their equivalent of the daily grind. It makes me feel very proud and happy to see that these two little girls are learning early on in life not only more about the world but also the meaning of true compassion and service to others. With more of this in the world, it can only become a better place, I believe. I live in hope!

How much more Elastic can things become and how far can one stretch?

2010-01-06T17:14:00.000-08:00

When I get comments from readers or hear little stories about what people glean from reading this blog, it truly delights and inspires me to continue. I am acutely aware of the fact that some people like to keep track of what I write because they are committed to the girls, committed to Sven and genuinely interested in knowing how we are getting on in our new lives together. As such, I try to write entries that are very timely and topical for us as this adventure unfolds around me.

During a moment of self-reflection I can say that I am genuinely an optimistic person, which I consider to be a great gift. I also find that my mind works in such a way as see humour and something funny in almost every situation in life. I tend to store the impressions and have built up a reservoir that I draw many of my stories from, that I then share with readers of this blog. It helps so much that the girls are so alive, funny and interesting as they supply me with endless amounts of material. Also, being a parent, as many will know, is an ongoing roller coaster ride so I draw from that as well.

What I am finding, however, is that the pressures Sven and I are increasingly experiencing each day are dulling the sweet impressions of life. It is the sole reason why I am finding it more and more difficult to write this blog and as such, the updates are getting further apart. Not because the stories or impressions are drying up. Rather, my mind is now so consumed with ‘how we are going to make this work’ and that voice is shouting so loudly in my head that when I sit down to write, all I can think about is that I should be doing something more productive that will help our cause then writing “while Rome burns” as I have become found of saying.

The truth is, these pressures we are under naturally affect all of us, not just Sven and I and as such, this blog is a perfect place to record what is going on. Kids, I have discovered, are neither immuned to nor are they unaware of changes in their environment. Regardless of how subtle we like to think they are.

We all absolutely love living here. We adore the town and are so grateful for the setting. We appreciate the landscape and all of the nature surrounding us and try to be out in it as much as possible. The girls are very, very happy in their school and are slowly making friends. Sven and I cannot believe what a warm, friendly, committed and well-informed community this is. We have had a wonderful time getting involved with school events and getting to know the community through meetings, gatherings and the like. On the face of it, this is an ideal place for all of us to be.

Sven and I, in spite of our years of work experience and developed contacts are still struggling to find meaningful work. It is unbelievable and at some point, I am going to write a blog exclusively on the topic, as I cannot accept that it has to be this way. However, it is and the fall out affects us all.

What a situation to be in? We find a place where we are really at home only to discover that we cannot sustain ourselves and I may have to work elsewhere or even overseas in order to do so.

As locally or even nationally I am struggling to find anything, I have had to cast the net wider. I made my first call to the UK on Monday just to see what the market is like. Not even 48 hours later, I am going into my third round of interviews and things are really moving along. It is actually unbelievable to me. I know I am known in London but does it really make that much of a difference? I don’t even live in the country any more. Can a resume and connects not do the same thing? Is the economy in this area for the type of work that I do or even for they type of work I am capable of doing not able sustain someone like me? Whatever the answer is, I am sitting here reeling at the possibility that I may very well get that job. In London! In the next two weeks. What irony. Then what?

As far as the girls go, I have to say they have been amazingly flexible so far. We have had to keep our purchasing and financial participation to an absolute minimum. They have not grumbled one single time. We had to even forego birthday parties this year and with the exception of a few tears of disappointment, they were fine. We managed to make Christmas very rich in the end with all of our projects (and the generous gifts from relatives and friends) so that was great. The girls, by all accounts, appear to be really happy and content in their lives. Sven and I have thus far managed to keep the troubles undercover.

However, this morning, I had a call at 7:00am with this British company. I did not mention anything to the girls but went quietly into the office, shut the door and dialled the number. The initial part of the conversation had nothing to do with me, with London, relocation or anything of that sort. That all came later after the girls had left for school. I assumed they heard nothing and we were in the clear.

However, I learned later from Sven that the girls were straight downstairs, quizzing him as to why I was talking with London. Was I planning on moving to London to work? What would that mean? Sven tried to gloss over it by saying that he used to have to go away to work but they were not having any of it. They pointed out to him that he worked on a project basis and there is a big difference between that and what they fear I am doing. All of that came out of rapid deduction on their parts. They did not miss one detail and push very hard for answers. And they are concerned.

For the first time, they have caught wind of the fact that things may have to change. It is so unfortunate as nothing is confirmed yet and hopefully, such a dramatic step may not have to be taken. With these two however, it is impossible to keep them fully insulated from what is going on around them. These two girls are very sharp and are so quick to pick up nuance and the slightest change in behaviour and then demand answers. They don’t always get them but that does not mean they are not on heightened alert and become extra vigilant in order to be able to gather enough clues to piece things together.

After all of the new beginnings we went through in 2009, I am wondering how flexible they are going to be now if we have to live and work in a less than conventional fashion. I keep hearing over and over again how resilient children are and wish deeply that this won't have to be tested again.

Sven often tells me that all anyone needs in life is to have one person that they know loves them unconditionally and then, it does not matter really what goes on around them, they will be ok. Things are going to continue to be very interesting around here for a while and I am counting on him being right. The girls know for sure that they have one fan in their Dad and I believe we have reached the point where they are certain that have that devotion in me and from me. Let’s see what having two devoted fans does to help them along the way.

Our Celebrations

2009-12-27T13:01:00.000-08:00

Since returning from Europe, I am struggling to find the most fulfilling and appropriate way to extend a seasonal greeting to those around me. I find the standard, ‘Happy Holidays’ somewhat wanting especially if I know that someone celebrates Christmas or Hanukkah. I have forgotten how ‘Universalist’ America is at this time of the year and the standard ‘happy holidays’ or ‘seasons greetings’ is therefore all that is heard.

What is interesting though is that trees in town centers and buildings are all decorated with various ornaments such a wreaths, lights, bulbs, candles etc but people do not extend any other form of seasonal expression other than ‘Happy Holidays’. So, I have spent time making the adjustment from wishing people either 'Happy Hanukkah' or 'Happy Christmas' to 'Happy Holidays' in keeping with the local practices.

The question arises, how does a parent instill a sense of reverence, expectation and belief in this type of environment where there is no direct connection made to the specific religious holiday that we chose to observe at home? How does a parent create a qualitative experience where the influences of marketing and consumption reign supreme? And as a result, gently influence the focus of the season away from the amount of presents hoped for and expected towards higher ideals?

Last year was my first Christmas with Sven and the girls. I flew in on December 22^nd from the UK, in the evening, so I came in just before the big day itself. The girls were naturally very, very excited, as they already knew that they would be receiving two American Girl dolls accompanied by a stack of accessories. All of the other preparations had been completed and the gifts that I purchased where the final touches to an already finished picture.

On Christmas day itself, the girls hurried through their various gifts then the American Girl doll packages were reached and that was the end of it. All focus turned towards the dolls and the accessories and they dominated proceeding from then on out. I remember watching that with mixed emotions. On the one hand, I was thrilled to see them so enthusiastic about these dolls and really honoured the fact that their maternal grandmother has entered into this project with them. On the other, I found it unsettling that these incredibly well marketed dolls had usurped the focus of the day. I cannot imagine what it must be like for families that live in a more conventional, mainstream way with the influences of Saturday morning television with all of the advertising that goes on.

With these impressions I gave thought to what this year might bring and had the chance to work with Sven to really develop the type of festive season we wanted for our family. We had a series of issues to discuss including what cultural traditions we both wanted to include as well as how to handle the expectations and shadows of Christmas’s past (legacy). Then, as we have the chance for a new beginning, how we would most like to see the festive season observed in our new family. We discussed everything from religious observation to house decoration to gift giving and how we hoped the day itself would unfold and came up with a plan. The aim was to build expectation as well as use the season for education e.g. gain an understanding of what the Christmas festival is all about and also include, where possible, insights into other festivals observed during this period. Our final consideration was to ensure that there was some connection to the gift giving process other than just going to the store, picking something out and waiting for us to buy it.

We started by creating a sense of expectation here in the house by dipping beeswax candles that we used for our Advent wreath. Fortunately we are four people and needed four to observe each week of Advent, so it worked out perfectly. Trecey collected local greens that we then made into two advent wreaths: one for the door and the other for the table to use as the wreath itself. The hearth was covered in evergreen cuttings and we used it to mark the various earthly kingdoms as observed in Anthroposophy: week one being crystals for the mineral Kingdom, a plant and large pine cone for week two too represent the Plant Kingdom etc. We completed the picture by adding a lovely Christmas tree that sat in the corner of the room.

We attended Children’s service and supported the Advent stories told by the Priest with stories read at home. We completed the experience by attending the children’s service at our local Catholic church on Christmas Eve before dinner and the opening of one gift before bed.

We also had a wonderful opportunity to observe the final night of Hanukkah at our friend’s house where we had a traditional dinner, prayers and songs. I was thrilled to see that Aurora knew the words to almost everything said as she spent a lot of time in 3^rd grade studying the Jewish faith in school in Wisconsin. I remember her coming home and telling me about what she learned and exclaiming how much she loved the food, the songs and the celebration of the high holy days. I should also add that we played a rowdy game of Dradel, which I won! Aurora came a very close second. Nothing like a bit of healthy competition I say.

We encourage the girls to make as many of their gifts as possible using materials around the house and/or recycling items that can be reconstituted. They do this very, very well I have to say.

We have an over abundance of beads and other such items that Aurora used to make jewellery for her Aunt and sister. Allegra noted that the local coffee shop stocked their self-service counter with stir straws so she went down and asked if she could have some to make God’s eyes. The gifts they created were wonderful! I also had them use packing paper to make their gift paper and suggested that they colour the paper to create the appearance of patterns and decoration. The picture below shows what a great addition to the gift the paper becomes when this is done.

Having the girls participate in the creation of the gifts they planned to give had a significant impact on their understanding of what a gift actually all about. Spending time thinking about what to make someone then going about collecting the necessary materials then assembling the item leaves a necessary and lasting impression. It is not possible for them to be just consumers of gifts when it comes time for them to open their own presents as they have first hand experience as to what it takes to take a concept and turn it into something material.

Sven and I make sure that not all of the experiences were exclusively educational or practical. Some of the mystery does remain. For example, stockings were put in front of the fire in the hopes that Father Christmas might leave a little something for everyone. The two kittens were even included in this ritual and the girls were amazed to see that they too got a little package in their stocking this morning when they awoke. The awe was even more compounded when, upon opening the stockings for their four legged friends, they discovered that their parcels had their correct initials on them! How did he know?

As Christmas day drew to a close, Sven and I reflected back on the four weeks of advent culminating in the day itself and feel that we have managed to capture a feeling of expectation of the season through activities and discussion. We used religious observation as a means of educating the girls about the more spiritual aspects of the season which we feel are necessary otherwise, it can too easily become all about presents, marketing, good food and more presents. On that note, we feel that the gift giving took on an entirely different meaning as the girls created their own gifts and even their wrapping paper and could not hide their joy when the recipients delighted in their gifts.

We believe that we are off to a good start in this new endeavor.

My contribution to the gift making experience - Hats and scarves

Thank you!

2009-12-21T05:01:00.000-08:00

When I established this site back in March of this year, I did so as I felt a great need to have a forum that allowed me to write about step-parenting and all of the trials and tribulations that accompany the task. Specifically, I had also hoped to create dialogue around some of the greater challenges we face when joining the parenting world, mid-stream, in the hopes of exchanging ideas and tips for frankly, survival, and naturally greater parenting success.

Once I had established the site, I could not decide how best to get started so it sat dormant until we left Wisconsin and headed west. Upon our departure, a couple of people asked that we blog about our experiences as we set out on our great adventure and the start of a new life together. Not wanting to be inefficient or wasteful and still unsure as to whether I would in fact ever summon the courage to write so publically about my parenting challenges, I decided to use this particular site to track our progress across the country. I was going to stop writing once we arrived but was encouraged to carry on. The site has now really become a wonderful entity and by all accounts has provided many people with an excuse to take a minute out of their busy schedules to check in on us.

However, as I live more into my life as a step-mother, I am finding that the topics that occupy my thoughts are no longer about the day to day but are more about the subtler issues of parenting that I am encountering. I find that I have a greater desire to learn more about how people navigate through certain issues and truly wish to begin doing so. Therefore, I am going to change tracks and cease writing about our daily lives here in the California and shift my focus back to the topic I had originally set out to explore.

I would like to wholeheartedly thank everyone that has read this blog over the past 6 months. Particularly, I would like to thank those that became followers (you can not imagine how excited I was each time the follower count grew) and especially those that made comments and encouraged me to continue writing along the way. I have thoroughly enjoyed sharing our story with you.

Autumn

2009-11-15T22:19:00.000-08:00

It has been a very full and very, very busy time for us all. As we live into our new school and home, we are collecting so many new impressions and experiences that each day, each weekend and each month leaves us wondering what has been happening and how we are managing to fit it all in.

On the school front, things continue to go very well for the girls. Aurora in particular is flourishing. Her teacher is very dedicated and focused, a trained scientist prior to become a Waldorf teacher and as such, intense and driven. This suits Aurora perfectly! Her class is also made up of strong characters with their own version of how things should be done which causes all sorts of tensions as well as moments of pure genius by all accounts. This too is great for Aurora.

Allegra is also doing very well. She is particularly enjoying the languages offered by the school, with Mandarin being her favorite subject. Her Spanish too is improving and is helped greatly as the language is so widely spoken in this area.

As it is autumn and the girls attend a Waldorf school, a celebration is to be expected. The great battle between good and evil, light and dark, St. Michael and the Dragon as normally highlighted in the Waldorf calendar is a thing of past. Greenwood school focuses more on the harvest, Mother Nature and the spirit of complete inclusiveness and as such, St. Michael is a bit too much of a Christian symbol.

The school has an annual Harvest Festival each November, which is an amazing event. Parents and family are invited to join the all school assembly at mid day, dressed in a costume of some sort and observe the classes making an offering of something that they gathered on their Nature day outings (they go into Nature one day each week) to mark the occasion. Allegra’s class put water and an acorn on the alter: Aurora’s class leaves and acorns as well.

After the offerings were made, each class performed either a song, a poem or in the case of the 8th grade, circus acts! As a Waldorf graduate myself, I did chuckle when some of the poems were recited as I can remember many an all school assembly where I heard them spoken before.

Once the assembly came to an end, the children were allowed to go to their classrooms and change into costumes themselves. They were asked by the school to chose something that best represented one of the elements: water, earth, air and fire. In addition, the school strongly recommended that the costumes be made at home, using materials around the house. Where possible, of course.

Initially, when I got that news, I braced myself. Knowing Aurora and Allegra, they were going to ask to be something pretty spectacular and I was going go have to make it. Sure enough, when I asked the girls what they wanted to be, Allegra asked to be a Mermaid. Gulp. Then Aurora asked…to be Water. When she said that, I started asking some clarifying questions such as, ‘do you mean, a jug of water? Or, a waterfall? A creature swimming in water? Something with form?’ ‘No’ she replied, ‘just water’. Great.

A Mermaid and Water. Not the easiest costumes for me to create. What was wrong with being a farmer or a vagabond as I was for pretty much my entire childhood? They were such easy costumes to make. Overalls, Dad’s shirt stuffed with a pillow and a bandana on my neck. Done. If I was feeling adventurous, I would add a walking stick but that only happened on one or two occasions.

How was I going to make these costumes? I decided to focus on Allegra’s first as I could more easily get my head around the idea of making a fish tail, decorating a shirt with seashells, cutting out star fish etc. I could not even get started with Aurora’s initially.

As luck would have it, the girls and I attended the Marin Waldorf School Harvest fair the weekend that Sven was in Wisconsin. As we were touring the vendor stands, we came across Sarah, the owner of Sarah’s Silks. She has such lovely things for children and their bedrooms. Well, guess what? She had a special on Mermaid outfits!!!! A cute little top, fishtail skirt, a crown and an arm band with a seahorse on it for $15.00. Allegra LOVED it and was over the moon when we found one that fit her perfectly. That transaction took about 30 seconds, as I could not buy it fast enough.

As the Mermaid outfit was sorted, I had to come out of my denial and start thinking about how to make an outfit that looks like water. Fortunately, I had just cleaned out the girl’s closet the day before as we finished building the chest of drawers and I came across a beautiful tie-dyed dress that looked quite like water itself. I quickly asked Aurora to try it on and fortunately it fit. I picked up a few blue and purple silks from Sarah’s Silks scrap end box and decided that somehow I should be able to put all of the pieces together to make it look like something.

When we got home, my sister was there. Allegra excitedly showed her the new Mermaid outfit and Aurora showed her the scrap pieces of silk and explained to her that she was going to be Water for the Harvest Festival. Trecey heard her out then said, ‘great. We will make you a mobile of fish, shells, starfish etc that can be hang under the silks to give it the impression of being under the sea. The dress will work well as a background etc’. Before I knew it, the costume had been designed and Trecey had my brothers were hard at work cutting out sea creatures and coloring them in. The result was utterly amazing. Aurora looked absolutely beautiful and very much like Water itself. When she changed into her costume, people could not compliment her enough on how wonderful her costume looked. Thank you Trecey!

Back to the Harvest Festival. After the assembly, everyone formed a long chain by holding hands and swirled in a spiral in the courtyard then unwound and headed over to the school’s satellite campus in the Red Wood Forrest where we had an all-school potluck and children played games. It was wonderful.

There was talk of the girls wanting to be something entirely different for Halloween but I drew a line. Trick or Treating as a Mermaid and Water would be just fine. I got little resistance.

We were invited to attend a Halloween party at the house of some of the parents at the school that Sven and I like very much. Their son is in Aurora’s class and a seriously bright boy. They also have a daughter in the 1st grade that Allegra gets along very well with. Fortunately they live just down the street from us so we were able to walk over to their house. However, we were not prepared for the sheer size of the gathering nor the serious fun each of us had there. It was great! A large portion of the school community had been invited so there were kids everywhere and even parents were dressed up! As I have been away from this country for such a long time and as I was really not sure what to be, I decided to dress as myself – a new mother. However, next year, watch out! Sven also dressed as himself.

While this has been going on, we received all of our belongings from Wisconsin that came in the form of 75 boxes and the majority of Sven’s workshop including flow form moulds. Our fish (two gold fish, two Coral fish and one Placostomis) also arrived last Friday, also shipped from Wisconsin. The cats are now learning what deep frustration feels like as they log hours and hours in front of the tank trying desperately to get a hold of a fish.

Life is pretty good…and I have not even mentioned the weather.

Home Alone

2009-10-30T22:14:00.000-07:00

Life continues to move on a pace around here. We have been in Mill Valley now for three months and there seems to be no sign of things slowing down for us. As a new family, in a new state, with the children going to a new school and me being back in the US again after a very long absence etc, every week continues to be a series of first experiences and new adventures.

The most recent new experience happened just last week and it was the one I have been fretting about since we married 8 months ago. Sven returned to Wisconsin last week for 6 days leaving the girls and I on our own for the first time since we became a family. Although things have been going very well and we seem to be very comfortable with each other, I have to admit that I was quite anxious about being alone with them independently. The entire ‘What if’ book of issues and concerns kept going through my mind and in spite of my best efforts, I struggled to drive them away. I kept using my old reassuring standby inner dialogue ‘what is the worst thing that could happen?’ I was amazed for discover that in this case, I could think of quite a few scenarios. Not good ones at that.

What was I really afraid of? Interestingly enough, none of the things that might concern some people. I did not fear us experiencing a natural disaster or something close to that magnitude. I trust myself to handle emergencies and unexpected major events. What I found myself worrying about was what I would do if the girls suddenly decided that it was not so nice being with me and started acting up. What if they cried each night because they missed Sven and took no comfort from having me there? What would happen if they decided to disregard me in my position as parent and stop listening to me? I was so concerned about that particular point that I even had a dream boarding on a nightmare that Aurora purposely disobeyed me in a rather serious situation and defiantly refused to listen despite my best efforts. I awoke so stressed out! I used to have similar reoccurring dream that my staff in some of the big stores I used to manage, would also not take direction from me and simply stand there while I implored them to get going. I would wake up stressed and worried. I found myself distressed to discover that this same dream layout, once reserved for work, was now showing up in my personal life.

As with all things in life, it reaches a point where the best course of action is to just live, trust and allow the situation to come to you. So that is what I did.

Departure day arrived and after dropping Sven off at the airport, I returned home in time to collect the girls from school. Wednesdays are particularly busy for us as the girls sing in the Marin Girl’s Choir, in two different locations in the County. If it was not for the generous help given to us by Loring and Keith, one of Aurora’s best friend’s parents we would struggle to make it possible for the girls. They take Aurora to her lesson so that we can concentrate on getting Allegra to her group on time. However, once Allegra is dropped off, it is a mad dash during rush hour to pick up Aurora. Then back to collect Allegra by 6:00. Needless to say, our first night together was so busy that we did no have time to really notice that Papa was not around.

However, during the extensive car journey, I did find myself doing what I used to do with my staff. I started mentioning to the girls the way the I saw the week unfolding: what we needed to accomplish and what I would like to do; how I imagined us getting it all done etc. In other words, laying out my game plan for the week. They listened politely and did not respond. As I kept rattling on, I noticed that they were not really following what I was saying. They would nod and say, ‘ok’ or ‘that sounds good’ but actually did not seem to be even concerned about whether I had a plan or not! They seemed content to sit there and in fact, I think they would have preferred to discuss something entirely different.

After awhile I just stopped talking and started to reflect on what was happening around me. It was so refreshing and in some ways reassuring that they reacted as they did to my ‘game plan’ as I realized that they were not really that concerned about the week without Papa at all. First lesson learned. The children trust that I will keep them safe and that I have a plan. I cooked dinner and got the girls off to bed on time. End of day one.

The second day, we experienced a series of 'firsts' such as getting the girls ready for school; making lunches; picking them up and spending time together in the afternoon; making dinner and bedtime prayers. I have been involved in each piece of the daily routine at some point over the past few months but never responsible for the entire routine before now. My concerns about how the girls might respond to me seemed to be unfounded. Their attitude towards me was excellent. They were very helpful, willing, fun loving and polite towards me. Even more than usual, perhaps. It was delightful and very affirming.

However, in terms of how they were being with each other, it was a different story. The girls were constantly arguing with each other and being very competitive. Even once they were in bed and the lights were out! That was the first time I had to really step in and tell them to stop. I was relieved that they responded to me exactly the same way they would if Sven had been around. In fact that was the very last time they even bickered the entire 6 days!

By day three and beyond, things were going very well. We had established our routine and were all helping out to get the dishes washed, house tidied etc. We had also become comfortable being together and it felt very natural for us to be living in this way. It was wonderful in fact. We ended up having all sorts of adventures over the remaining days before Sven’s return including building two IKEA tall chest of drawers, cleaning out the girl’s closet (terrifying experience I have to say), going to a Harvest Fair, getting a flat tire from somehow getting a razorblade stuck into it, getting a tow truck to come and help us, to shopping for sweaters because it was chilly to rescuing cats etc.

By the time Sven arrived home, we were a real little unit and had worked out such a comfortable and efficient way of being together that the girls even said to him, ‘when we are with Mama in the mornings, we don’t have to rush’. When Sven told me that later in the day, I felt quite pleased with myself!

The week had gone by very quickly. It was quite remarkable and I was so grateful it had gone so well.

The second and most important lesson that I learned is that these little girls already accept me as their parent, without question. All of the angst, concern, ‘what ifs’ and basically, fear, that is being experienced is mine alone. It is not to say that when they get older there won’t be moments when they tell me that, as their stepmother, I don’t know what I am talking about. Or that they don’t like me or that I have bad taste in music, clothes etc. It is just that it is not as complicated for them as it is for me. I am their father’s wife and a person that is kind to them and works hard to make their lives as wonderful as possible. They have happily embraced me in the role of mother. End of story.

Even after all of these months, my fears, questions and concerns around how things might or might not work out between the girls and me still exist. I am, like so many people I would imagine, influenced by the stories of how the relationship between women not related by blood interact in the same household. Whatever stereotypes I might believe in and whatever experiences I had as a child with my own stepmother are unique to me and fortunately do not play a part in our step mother/step daughter dynamic at this point.

In spite of all of my doubts and concerns, my actions are those of a fully committed person. I feel so lucky to have two such interesting, intelligent, trusting and alive little girls to help guide though the early phases of their lives and beyond. I count myself equally lucky to know Maya. It will be interesting to see how the journey unfolds.

New Additions

2009-10-15T22:11:00.000-07:00

This week, there has been a special request from Allegra to post information about the newest members of the Sven Schunemann family. We have been waiting for a long time to make these additions. In fact, according to Sven, Allegra has been asking every since she was a little tiny girls for just this sort of event to happen in her life.

The new additions to the family are quite small, young, super cute and irresistible. We rescued them from a local shelter and they have been with us now for almost one month.

Their names are...Puss and Boots, two of the sweetest kittens in the world.

The story is that Aurora, Allegra and I were walking through town one Sunday on our way to the local Art's Festival when we saw the cluster of cages with the rescue cats and kittens ahead. As we approached, the girls started their usual chant, 'Mama, can we please have a kitten/puppy/pony/rabbit/small furry animal?' PLEEEEESEEEEEEEEE???? 'It would be such good fun'. PLEEEEEESSSEEEE???

I then gave my usual response, 'girls, some day. I agree it would be wonderful but we have just arrived, need to settle in, we are in rented accommodations, Papa would need to be consulted etc'. Same old line from me. However, none of us were prepared for the kittens we encountered a few seconds later.

There were a total of 6 cages housing both cats and kittens. They were all very beautiful and appeared to be well cared for. As we stood before the felines, the girls and I all agreed at the same time that the cutest of all were the two little kittens in the corner cage. One a Russian Blue and the other a grey American shorthair with four white boots, both around 4 months old. They were very curious about us and we were all so interested in only these two. After a few minutes, I could tell that my resolve was weakening as I could really imagine that we could make it work but knew that I had some lobbying to do and no sense of whether I would be successful or not so I suggested that we carry on - after I took the person's name and contact details - just in case.

As we were walking along, I noticed that Allegra stopped pleading for the kittens suddenly and she seemed to be holding her breath. As I turned to her, she let out a big breath and said, 'ouch! My fingers hurt from crossing them so hard. I really hope that we decide to get the kittens. I really do. I really, really love them already!' I burst out laughing, as it had not occurred to me that she was walking beside me with as many fingers crossed as she could manage, praying with all of her might that we would get the kittens. I thought that was so sweet and began to prepare my sales pitch for later.

When we arrived home, we shared our findings with Sven. He was unmoved by our story, by the pictures that were taken of the cute kittens and of the good we would be doing in the World if we rescued these two kittens from an unknown fate or worse. Unmoved.

Needless to say, we had the kittens delivered to the house 4 days later. They arrived at night with the intension of surprising the girls in the morning. Aurora was sadly awake when the woman delivered the kittens so she was in on the surprise early but Allegra was over joyed the next day to discover that the little kittens had arrived.

They are now well entrenched in our lives, even snuggling up to Sven when he is working on his computer and finding that they are not sent on their way. They are growing rapidly and doing very well now.

What I have most enjoyed is watching the girls with the kittens. Little Allegra is such a creative little butterfly that generally struggles to complete the simplest of tasks such as taking her fleece off and putting it in her bedroom, anywhere in her bedroom in a 24-hour period. Yet, can spend hours on end playing with the kittens demonstrating such focus, care and commitment to these little creatures that goes above and beyond what anyone would expect a child or owner to ever manage. It is if she gets lost in another world that they are both so happy to be apart of it, as they feel so safe and happy there.

What is also wonderful to see is that she always remembers to check if the kittens have been fed, watered, litter changed and generally provided for - without being prompted! It is truly amazing to witness how well she cares for these small creatures. I have long believed that having animals around is actually very good for children. It teaches them all sorts of things such as responsibility, caring for someone/something other than self, etc. Allegra certainly seems to benefit greatly from having them around and these young cats could not be happier as they are the direct beneficiaries of such unconditional love.

Aurora is also very attached to the kittens but in a different way. Where Allegra shows focus and commitment, they uncover in her older sister a more playful, fun loving and carefree side of her personality that does not shine through as frequently as any parent would like it.

For that purpose alone, getting the kittens has been worth it.

P.S. Apologies for showing pictures of the kittens asleep! They charge around the house so quickly it is difficult to get photos of them when they are awake. More soon I am sure!

New Girl, new school, new challenges and opportunities

2009-10-01T22:02:00.000-07:00

At the end of the second week of school, Aurora came home and we knew something was wrong. She was on edge, being very sharp with her sister and speaking to Sven and I as if everything we had to say was either obvious or just dumb. Her apparent annoyance with us was so obvious that it crossed the line and started getting her in trouble.

My first instinct was to try and find out what was wrong through gentle questioning and probing. No luck. That evening, Sven and I had been invited to attend a new parent orientation and all school meeting. As we live directly across the street, we informed Aurora that we were going to be away for 45 minutes and that she was in charge. We would pop back in every 15 minutes or so to check on her. When she received this news, she burst into tears, claiming that everything is sprung on her, that she is never informed about what is going on and that she is treated so badly by us. Wow!

The next morning, Aurora awoke in the same state as the day before. She was so shape with us all, exasperated by everything and then crossed the line and was rude to her father. Final straw, she was sent to her room.

About 10 minutes later I went upstairs to find her sitting on her bed, crying. I asked her again what was wrong and she stuck to her story. So, I changed topic and talked to her about tone, delivery, rudeness etc. knowing full well that the real story was going to come out soon.

Sure enough, it did. Aurora sobbed and said that the girls in her class, particularly the one that she likes the best, had been mean to her saying that the new girls were weird. No one asked her to play and when she invited herself into the group, she was not encouraged to remain. Also, another girl that she really likes was very public in saying that she did not want to be her cello partner when asked. Aurora said she really likes the school but no one likes her and she does not understand why.

She was so upset. This was what was really going on. We talked about it for almost an hour and I made an extra effort to listen to everything she had to say. Once she started to settle down, I cancelled household chores (which is enough to cheer any child) and we decided to have a Grimm's Fairy Tale read-a-thon.

What to do? I remembered one of my first conversations with the mother of the girl Aurora likes the best. She told me that they had experienced something similar most of the previous school year with their own daughter upon joining the class. The mother had taken it upon herself to research what could be done to help the teacher, class parents and the other students to behave in a more constructive and positive manner. Her inspiration was that 'you don't have to be bullied to become a grown up'. She was committed to having some form of Social Emotional Inclusion programme adopted by the school as her research showed that such programmes are being introduced into school around the world, including Waldorf schools at a fairly rapid rate. I remembered at the time being totally struck by this notion and wanted to learn more.

As it relates to Aurora, I decided to pick up the phone and call the mothers of the two girls that she had mentioned in her recounting to me. I did not know what would happened and I figured that it was better to make such a call and receive an earful then allow it to continue. I did not know what was coming my way.

I spoke to both mothers who heard my account of what happened with respect. They both thanked me for being brave enough to make the call and promised that they would speak to their daughters at once. There was no judgment or recrimination from them as to how Aurora might or might not have behaved. It was simply that they acknowledged that something had gone on between their daughters and Aurora and it needed to be discussed. One mother mentioned that they had spent the past year using some of the techniques and tools being taught in the Social Emotional inclusion programmes and saw this as it a great opportunity to now put them to the test.

The next morning (Monday) I received an email from one of the mothers at 7:00am. She told me that the conversation had taken place with her daughter and that on her own, she admitted that something had gone on and was very embarrassed by the role she played in it. The daughter had also come up with a way of apologizing to Aurora and making sure it did not happen again. She went into a bit of detail as how she and her husband handled it, which I found fascinating. Most importantly, she assured me that her daughter was going to do the right thing.

We left for school an hour later. Aurora shoulders squared, marched with conviction up the stairs and to her classroom. She had no idea of what had gone on but being whom she is was determined to make the best of it. I went home and waited.

At pick up, the 4th grader that ran to me was a totally different person. Aurora was pure sunshine. I asked her about her day and she said she loved it. She had had a wonderful time. I did not press for specifics nor did she offer any. All that mattered was that she was so happy and felt so good about her new school and herself. This has continued today, three weeks later. She loves school, loves her class and comes home each day thoroughly motivated by her new experiences. She also feels included.

What these mothers did is incredible. They listened to my story and did not allow their own protective instincts to get in the way of ensuring that the right thing is done. They also tackled the issue head on with their own children and used a very progressive and gentle approach to getting the girls to reflect on their own behaviors, decide if it was the right thing to do and then determine what the right course of action should be. Then follow through.

These mothers did this because they believe that children have the capacity to learn from an early age how to do the right thing through self-awareness and self-management. Children do not need to behave from their lower selves and bully or be bullied in order to make the passage to adulthood. Lord of the Flies behavior does not need to rule.

I am grateful to these women for the swift and decisive action they took. I am guessing that the way they approached the topic with their own daughters was constructive - it was clearly effective - as there was no back lash towards Aurora or in fact any negativity whatsoever. Whatever language and behaviors was used, it encouraged reflection and a commitment to the right course of action. And follow through.

I have since joined a group of parents, including these two mothers, who have committed themselves to getting a social emotional inclusion programme introduced into our school. The belief that it will create a common languages for teachers, students and parents alike to use to foster a more respectful and productive environment where everyone can learn and grow (and that includes teachers and parents!!) is strong and there is plenty of evidence to prove that it will be worth it.

Aurora is happy. As a new parent, I feel fortunate to be at this school at this time as such a programme is being discussed. There is so much in there for parents to learn - I feel that my education is about to be elevated beyond measure.

Gratitude

2009-09-28T21:43:00.000-07:00

As a stepparent, it is often not clear what actions are appreciated, well received, mocked or observed with bemusement. In the past 7 months, I have realized that when I would expect the girls to be pleased by something, they often are not. Other times when I think that an action or effort is really insignificant, they are thrilled. In these early stages, I find that there is little rhyme or reason to their reactions. For a person that considers herself a good judge of people and their reactions I find myself at a loss with reactions of children. As I am still learning the stages of child development and finding that the girls are growing faster than I can read, I have made the decision to trust my instincts, focus on what I believe is right and take comfort in the fact that I am doing the best I can. Basically the old pep talk we received ourselves as children from our parents and mentors when faced with a huge task or challenge where no one can guarantee the outcome!

I write all of this because it relates directly to an experience I had last week with Allegra that took me completely by surprise and probably for the first time has given me a very different perspective on my role in the girl's lives.

When I attended the 2nd grade parent/teacher meeting two weeks ago, I was informed that I would be speaking to one of the mothers responsible for a project undertaken by all parents last year. The project was the creation of a crayon case. The picture above shows what it looks like. All parents were responsible for either knitting or crocheting the pockets that would eventually house the crayons. A pattern and colour scheme had been devised that would correspond to each crayon type - thus the bright colours. Once completed, the piece was sewn directly onto dark grey felt and finished off with having the child's initials sewn on the front. Both practical and very beautiful.

The parent showed me what she had done last year and discussed with me my options e.g. knit or crochet and how to get the pieces sewed onto the fabric and the project finished off. As I have not crocheted in longer than I can remember, I opted for knitting and we agreed that she would help out by sewing the pieces to the felt once I had finished. She would then hand it back to me to complete the project by embroidering Allegra's initials on the front.

To help get started, we agreed that this parent and some others also heavily involved in the project last year would come over to my house after drop off, along with one other new parent, to help get us started.

For those of you that have been reading the blog, you may remember that we took over this house unfurnished without any appliances. I even included a picture of our kitchen with the industrial 3 burner camp range that Trecey uses in the mountains of Utah when cooking for 30 people on dinosaur digs each spring that was doubling as our kitchen stove. I am happy to say that we have now graduated to a proper stove but that really is about it. So the thought of having these mothers over to our very basic house was of concern to me. I mentioned rather sheepishly that we were still getting settled and I was really comforted when the mother in charge of the project said to me, 'Christina, I give myself two years to get settled. You have plenty of time left'. I was grateful to her for that comment but still rushed around tidying and trying to make the house look as impressive as possible.

So, the mothers came over, showed me how to get started and then they started talking about their children. I have to say I was in awe of these women as not only are they clearly very dedicated parents but they are so well informed about child development, pedagogy, current research into child development, open about their own children's learning difficulties etc. In fact, one of the mothers has a PhD in Early Childhood Development and is a reading specialist! I kept saying to myself, at least I can run a retail business in 52 countries successfully, for what it is worth, in order not to feel totally dwarfed by these amazing people!

Interspersed with my inner dialogue, I sat there knitting my little squares listening intently realizing that I really have a lot to learn. It made a big impact on me.

As I did not have anything to contribute to the conversation, I had a chance to sit quietly and listen, which helped me to get 4 of the 40 squares completed. I was pleased as I had made such a good start and felt well on my way towards getting the project completed. When the mothers left, they mentioned that I could get back to them whenever I had a chance to finish all 40 squares. No hurry.

Allegra had mentioned to me a couple of times that I would be asked to make this crayon case for her but really only in passing and had not mentioned it for some time. So, I did not have the sense that this was particularly important for either parents, the teacher or even for Allegra.

However, I was enjoying myself and coupled with my strong type A personality, I felt motivated to get this project finished as quickly as possible. Later in the day when Aurora was sitting down to write her multiplication tables flash cards, I decided to sit next to hear and resume my knitting.

As I took the project out of the box, the girls suddenly stopped what they were doing and just stared. At first I did a double take, as it was not clear to me what they were looking at. All of the sudden, Aurora said, 'that is so beautiful' and looked at the knitting with a sense of awe. Allegra, eyes wide, walked slowly around the table and carefully took the knitting into her hands. She then looked at me and said, 'Mama, that is beautiful. You are awesome! You knit so well. You are making that for me? That is so great, I can't wait to use it.' She was clearly enthralled.

I observed, almost in disbelief, as the girls continued to stare at the four little knitted colour squares and shower me with compliments on the work completed thus far. I thought to myself, this is no effort at all. Why is this so important to them? What makes this so much more special than all of the other things that I have done over the past 7 months? Whatever it was, it meant something to the girls, particularly Allegra. However, as time passed I realized that she had not even begun to show how excited she was by this project.

As I resumed knitting, Allegra sat down right next to me and started looking at all of the colours in the box. (I had been given a big plastic storage container full of coloured wool, patterns, straps of felt and other materials related to the project.) She then came upon the colour scale, which showed the sequence we were to follow, took it out and examined it. She asked me a few questions and then realized what it was for. She observed my knitting very carefully and then started taking out the balls of wool that I would need, in colour order and set them on the table for me to easily access. Once she observed how I changed colours, she then started unwinding the balls of wool and laying the new colour thread directly on the piece that I was finishing with so that she could both participate and help me out, all the while saying 'it is so beautiful. Thank you so much. You are awesome'. After a time, she tired of standing next to me and asked if she could sit on my lap. I agreed but told her that it might be difficult as I was knitting so she would need to perch on one of my knees. She willing agreed and even when I kept accidentally poking her with the end of one of the knitting needle, did not want to move away!

I was amazed. It had never, ever occurred to me that she would respond to this knitting project is such a profound way. I was also overwhelmed by her complete attention and focus on what I was doing and her wholehearted gratitude for the effort I was putting into getting this crayon case completed. She wanted to be near me and be a part of the process as much as she possibly could. It was so touching.

Needless to say, I stayed up late and completed the entire knitting project that evening. Trecey and I even turned the house on its head looking for a wool needle so that I could finish it off and hand it back to the other mother in order to get it stitched onto the grey felt background. No luck but at least the knitting was completed.

The next morning, the very first thing that Allegra said when Sven woke her up was 'Papa, I think Mama might have been able to finish my crayon case last night' to which Sven proudly answered, 'yes, she did'. Allegra was thrilled and came to see what had been completed in the night.

What Allegra really wanted to know was when she might be able to use the case in class. I explained that it had to go through a few more steps before it would be ready but with luck she could have the crayon case by Monday. It was Thursday morning. Allegra said sincerely that she hoped it would be ready soon, as her temporary case was difficult to use and not nearly as nice. I said we would do what we could.

When we went to school that morning, I decided to return the excess wool to Allegra's class teacher. As we were walking out the door to school, I collected up the big plastic box that the wool came in and started carrying it across the street. When we reached the steps leading up to school, Allegra asked if she could carry the box herself. The steps up to school are quite steep and there are a lot of them so I asked her if she was sure she really wanted to do it. She was insistent so I consented. Sure enough, Allegra carried the box all the way up the stairs, down the hall and proudly presented it to her class teacher saying, 'my Mama finished my crayon case last night', to which her teacher replied 'Already?' Allegra beamed and said 'yes. She did it in one day!' She was so proud and again, I observed her with amazement.

With the help of the other mother, we managed to get all of the final touched completed that same day. When Allegra awoke on Friday morning, sitting on her desk right next to her bed was her crayon case, sewn, stitched and embroidered with a big A and a big S with a small flower. She was so delighted with the outcome. She kept it with her while she got dressed, brought it down for breakfast and kept it with her until she left for school. At times, she would hug it and stroke it as if it was the most precious thing she owned.

Nothing more was said about the crayon case until breakfast the next day. We were all sitting there talking about something unrelated when Allegra said to Sven and I, 'my crayon case is the most beautiful of all. The crayons fit perfectly. Many of my classmates are jealous that my initials are bigger and that I have a flower stitched next to my name. None of them have that. Mine really is the best and by far the most beautiful.'

Creating this crayon case took very little effort on my part and in fact, I had a great time making it. What I was unprepared for was how much I learned from this experience. Firstly, through listening to the conversations of the mothers whilst they were at my house. Their depth of knowledgeable and passion for their children’s education was impressive and went some distance towards creating a new picture in my mind of what motherhood could look like and what being a mother could mean.

Secondly and most importantly, making this crayon case meant so much to Allegra. I am not sure if it is because I made it by hand or if it is because I made it just for her. Perhaps it is because, as her mother figure, I participated in the project in the same way the other mothers in the class did and that gave her a sense of ‘normality.’ I really do not know why it is nor am I sure it is even important for me to figure it out. The fact that Allegra treasures it so much is enough to tell me that as a step parent, rewards will come at the most unexpected times and in the most unexpected ways. That we do make a difference in ways that is most unexpected and unpredictable. This was a big turning point for me on my journey as stepparent and as mother to these little girls. I find that I am suddenly viewing my role in their lives in an entirely different way. I have felt involved thus far as I see myself as a committed and hard working person. This experience taught me that it is much more than that. I am truly grateful to Allegra for teaching me this.

Introduction into the Inner Sanctum of Parenting - Class Parent Meetings

2009-09-12T21:40:00.000-07:00

The second week of school started on Tuesday due to the long Bank/Holiday weekend. Not to be lulled into a false sense of starting the year of slowly, we were invited to attend the 4th grade Parent/Teacher meeting on Wednesday, the 2nd grade meeting on Thursday and the all school Parent Circle meeting on Friday night - after being requested to attend a 45 minute New Parent induction meeting! In addition, we were required to find a cello for Aurora to play and have secured a teacher by Tuesday!

More experienced parents might have expected such a start to the year. For me, as a new parent, finding the cello and teacher seemed like a project in itself let alone attending all of those meetings and ‘going public’ as a new mother and parent in this community. I had no sense of what awaited me. I also noticed that the little voice in my head was starting to get louder and louder, stating concerns such as: How will you be received as a stepparent? Would people prefer to ask Sven questions as he is the Children's father instead of asking me? How would it be? What if I am asked about our 'situation'? How much detail should I communicate as we really do not want the story to be what defines us in the eyes of this new crowd. As I could not imagine what would happen I decided to stay open and prepared myself for a week of new experiences.

Wednesday evening, Sven and I arrived at the 4th grade classroom on time. When we entered the room, parents were standing around chatting, clearly enjoying the chance to catch up after the summer holiday. Some people glanced in our direction but otherwise we were left alone. This did not bother us at all. In fact, I had a fleeting moment of joy as I thought I might be able to attend this meeting fully under the radar, get a chance to observe how it all works and take the time to figure out where I might fit into this matrix. No such luck.

As Sven and I were looking at Aurora's main lesson book, one of the father's broke away from his conversation and approached us. He greeted us warmly and drew us towards the group as the class teacher called us all to attention.

For those of you that are familiar with Waldorf education, you will be unsurprised to hear that we were seated in a circle around a candle with a beautiful silk cloth around the base in the chairs used by the children. Once we had all taken our seats, the teacher asked us to go around the circle and introduce ourselves and tell the group a little about our children and ourselves. When it came to our turn, I looked at Sven as if to say, 'go ahead...PLEASE'? However, he turned to me and said out loud "why don't you start, darling'. I think this is becoming a trend!

There I sat with my cover fully blown. What was I suppose to say? I could give a generic introduction and let people find out about us as information seeped out over time or I could go for it and let them hear first hand what we are about. I decided that the best defense is a good offense so I went for disclosure.

I introduced Sven and myself. I mentioned that Aurora was the name of our child and did highlight that I am her stepmother. I then went on to say that I am also the only one in the role of mother in her life, thus telling people a bit more about our collective history without having to be too specific. I mentioned that we are happy to be attending this School, as we want a fresh start for ourselves and for the girls. I also mentioned that Sven and I have only been married since February so it has been a year of great change and we are very excited that this new phase has begun. I concluded by saying that I chose to go to this level of detail as in the 4th grade, the study of family is part of the curriculum and it when the presentations are made in class later in the autumn, the information could be discussed by their children at home.

The group responded silently and I appreciated the fact that no one said anything but we could tell from people's expressions and body language that the message had been received.

Once introductions were completed, the teacher informed us that we were going to do a group activity, chanting a Native American song and perform a ritual of passing stones from person to person. This exercise is intended to get everyone working together in harmony in order to help make the meeting more productive. It is also something that the children do each morning before class as part of the daily ritual.

The teacher then demonstrated how it was suppose to work. Take the stone from your right hand then pass it to the right hand of the person next to you whilst receiving the other person's stone in your left hand. To the rhythm of the chant. Simple.

One thing I do need to point out is that for this particular meeting, many of the participants were fathers. A group of them were all clustered together, close to the door laughing and joking and clearly have a great time. Of those present at the meeting two were Board Members (one man and one woman), one was the head of the Parent Circle, similar to a Parent Association, and the new 5th grade teacher. Of the fathers present, one is an ER doctor, one a professional writer for the Wall Street Journal and columnist for the San Francisco Chronicle, one a tenured University professor and the rest very successful businessmen and women. A heavy hitting group of mainstream individuals committed to giving their children a first rate alternative education but not necessarily accustomed to participating in it directly.

So there we sat on our children’s school chairs- kid size. These fathers were there with their Blackberries and iPhones at the ready, were being asked to chant and pass a stone around the room. It was brilliant. Even more so because they found the rhythm of the stone passing rather challenging and at the end of the first trial round, the cluster of fathers each had two stones sitting on either knee and stones in each hand. Considering that the exercise was designed to pass the stone and have only one stone in hand at one time, something had gone seriously wrong.

So, we tried again. This time, we tried a simpler variation of the stone passing which helped but layered on the chant. When we stopped part of the way through to check our progress, the fathers again had a pile of stones around them. At this point, I could not help but laugh. Quietly. I stated laughing and could not stop. I laughed because it was such an unusual sight. I laughed because I really appreciated how hard they were trying to keep the rhythm. I laughed because it was so amazing to see these men of society sitting in little kid chairs in their suits and formal work clothes trying to chant a Native American chant and pass a small stone from right to left. I laughed as well because I realized that these people, these biological parents were only human like me, the only stepparent and in fact, I had a better sense of rhythm then they did! I also laughed because it was such a great feeling for me, being part of a parent group. I laughed with real joy.

I am not sure if the exercise had the desired effect of centering the individual because everyone was laughing but it did bring us all closer together as a group. Especially when the ER doctor passed around a tube of hand sanitizer for us all to use.

Thursday night was the Second grade parent/teacher meeting. Sven informed me that he would not be able to attend as he had a meeting out of town.

When I arrived, it was a totally different scene. A very different crowd consisting mainly of mothers. All knew each other. All standing around talking and as with the previous evening, no one bothered to break conversation when I entered, although everyone knows that I am one of three new parents in the class.

Unlike the night before, we did not have to do an ice breaker or Native American chant. Rather, we were given beeswax and were told a story. Of Saint Bridget.

We were then asked to introduce ourselves and I decided to go for the simply variation. I told everyone my name, Sven's name and that Allegra was our daughter. That was it.

However, as the teacher was about to call on the next person, one of the fathers in the group called out to me asking if it was true that I was strongly connected to Waldorf education and if so, in what way. I said, yes that I had been a Kindergarten through 12th grade graduate. He then asked where I had attended school and before I knew it, I was giving a history of my connection to the schools, what worked and where the challenges were etc. Understandably, people that invest in Waldorf schools are so interested to hear 'how it all ends'. What happens once the person leaves the comfort of the educational system and community? How they get on in the world? Will they get a job? As they had a real life example sitting there in the class, there were lots of questions. So much for moving through this meeting unnoticed.

Once I was released from my questioning, the meeting moved on. At one point, the designated class parent said that she was going to give us 3 minutes to volunteer for a series of activities in the year. Events like the Winter Fest, a huge Christmas fayre. Similarly with May fayre. How about snack day? Flowers for the classroom? etc. 3 minutes?? I then made a snap decision that I have enough things to be adjusting too: new wife, new parent, new town and living in the US again to be getting involved in events that I know nothing about. So I sat on my hands and observed these scenes as they unfolded around me and kept quiet.

I went away from both meetings feeling reassured that I have the credentials to do my role as mother: unwavering passion for my child’s well being and education; commitment to working with the community to make it a wonderful place for all and a sense of humour.

We were pleased that the week of meetings went very well and our integration into the community got off to a good start. We enjoyed getting to know everyone and appreciated the warm reception we received. I came away feeling more involved than ever in our lives and even more committed to my role as mother

First Day of School

2009-09-03T21:33:00.000-07:00

This is picture tells the entire story. I am almost tempted to leave it here. However, a bit of text and context will help to bring some of the wonderful elements of the day to life.

I didn't put the girls to bed last night so when I went into their room this morning at 7:00am, I was unprepared for the hysterically funny sight of seeing Allegra's first day at school outfit carefully placed on the floor between the two beds. She had taken the time last night to place the garments on the floor as she was intending to wear them so that all she had to do was wake up and jump in! In fact, she even kept her sleeping gear to an absolute minimum in order to make the process easier. To say that she was filled with anticipation and excitement as she prepared for this new adventure is an understatement.

Aurora was considerable more mature about selecting her outfit - although she had planned it a week ago. She got up, dressed in an outfit that was befitting a 4th grader and grandly made her way down stairs. The one thing that gave her away and showed that she is still a lovely little girl is that both she and Allegra elected to wear their new Wednesday socks that we bought last week. This particular day is bright Orange, which could not match any outfit!

After breakfast, we took the short walk across the street to school where the girls were instructed to meet in the courtyard. Allegra held onto my hand tightly and was understandable a little nervous. Aurora on the other hand seemed to gain confidence and strength with each step. By the time we turned the corner leading into the courtyard, she was practically running! The moment she saw her new friend Rachel, she was off. She did not look back once. Sven, Allegra and I stood there and just watched. We were pleased and a bit...at a loss as it all happened so quickly.

Allegra took a bit more time, mainly because the children in her class were doing what she did with me - cling onto my hand. However, when it came time for Sven and I to take a tour of their classrooms, Vicki Seastrom, the Admissions Director came to the rescue and took Allegra by the hand and lead her over to the rest of the class. Incidental, the girls have had the great fortune of getting to know Vicki during the summer as a result of the proximity of our house to the school. She is wonderful.

Sven and I viewed the classrooms and were warmly greeted by other parents. I have to say, they really did make us feel so welcome. It was wonderful. It particularly helped me a lot as, being a new parent and this being my first day of sending children to school, I was really nervous! It was the strangest thing as I had not anticipated it and when I found myself standing there, concerned for little Allegra, feeling slightly unsure in my new role as mother figure as this was all so new to me and just not entirely sure what was going on, I found myself to be quite unsettled! Yet elated.

Sven and I then left the school and went about our day.

I was tasked with collecting the girls at the end of the day, which I was really looking forward to. However, when I returned from shopping at 3:15, I walked into the house to find Aurora and Allegra already there! What happened? Apparently, school let out at 3:05 and not at 3:25 as I had expected so the office manager walked them home. Ugg! Not a good way to start a new year in a new school as a new parent. When I told the girls that I had the times wrong, initially they looked at me blankly. I made a feeble joke about it but I think it will take a bit of time before it is dropped. Fortunately, my brother was home at the time.

The girls had a wonderful day at their new school. Allegra's favorite part was drinking water. In truth, she returned home so tired from all of the new impressions that when asked about the day she had nothing really to report. Except that it was fun.

Aurora liked poetry the best. Along with Arabic. She found the teacher really expressive and funny and took great delight in showing us how her name is spelt in Arabic.

All in all it was a great first day.

Family. Overlapping Circles and life

2009-08-31T21:36:00.000-07:00

In America, school terms tend to start just a few days before Labor Day, which is a National holiday resulting in a three-day weekend. This strategy I am finding out causes quite a bit of discussion and controversy amongst some parents as they feel it is disruptive for students to have a short week, followed by a long break.

For our two girls, it has been a blessing. They have really enjoyed the first few days at their new school but needless to say, are taking in so many new sights and impressions that they come home each afternoon happy but exhausted. Having a chance to rest and assimilate their first couple of days has been very helpful indeed.

Each day after school, I asked the girls what their favorite part of the day was, what they remembered most from their lessons and what their favourite subjects were. To illustrate how many impressions they are absorbing each day, Allegra honestly could not remember one thing about any of her day. I prompted her about subjects that I thought she might have had, such as Spanish or Mandarin and she would remember one small point, but other than that, it was all a blur. If you had a chance to read the last entry, you may remember that Allegra's favorite part of day one was drinking water! She did however say in her prayers on Thursday evening that she was most grateful for her new school. That is a good sign.

According to Anthroposophy, it is appropriate that someone of Allegra's age experiences school as a part of living, breathing, eating and simply existing. If asked what she liked the most about breathing, she would naturally have nothing to say. She seems to be experiencing school in the same sort of organic and experiential fashion, which again is a good sign.

What did really stick out in her mind is the new friend she has made - Delphine. She is the sweetest, must adorable little girl and the two of them get along famously. I predict that for a time these two will be inseparable. Allegra asked that I mention her in the blog, as she is so fond of her already!

Aurora on the other hand remembers most things. As mentioned she liked her poetry class, Arabic and arts and crafts but was not wild about the Spanish teacher, games,

and found all of the hiking that they had to do on their Nature Day last Thursday really boring.

She too cannot remember everything and makes more critical comments about some classes but all in all really likes the school.

One noticeable change that I am witnessing is that Aurora has become so aware of differences and is starting to draws comparisons between herself and everyone else, looking to see where she fits. For example, she was terribly upset that she did not know how to do cursive writing like the rest of the class. On Friday evening, she was in tears as she did not know how she was going to learn the new way of writing and as such keep up with everyone else. On Monday night before bed, she again asked me if I would speak to her teacher and to see what could be done about it. She did not like feeling left out.

Another example is that, in the forth grade, students are allowed to play an instrument other than the violin with permission of the teacher. Aurora has been playing the cello for one year now and was naturally allowed to switch. As it turns out, all of the girls in the class have now decided that they too will start playing cello. We met one of the fathers on Friday evening and he told us that after buying his daughter a new violin, she came home on Friday and announced that she was making the switch to cello. He told us that he was a bit surprised by this change as it seemed so sudden but Aurora quickly pointed out to him that 'all the girls were doing it'. It seems that the move towards being 'like everyone else' is starting to take hold.

This 'being like everyone else phase' for Aurora is about to be put to the test. In the 4th grade of most Waldorf or Waldorf inspired schools, students are given the task of doing a study of their family genealogy and creating a document that is all about their families and themselves. It is intended to cover family origins, their births and their lives today. Once completed, they present it to the class.

Aurora was informed of this project on Friday of last week and is already giving a lot of thought to what this will mean for her. She has not said anything directly but the topic of families seems to keep coming up for her. She mentioned to me yesterday that her teacher had told the class that her husband had died 3 weeks before the birth of her second child, also named Aurora and that she had raised her daughters without a father. She asked me if I knew about this and was noticeably taken aback when she learned that Sven and I had been informed in May.

Later in the evening, she mentioned that it would be wonderful if, at Thanksgiving, Sven's entire family, my entire family and her mother's entire family could celebrate together. It appears that she is already starting to join up the three circles consisting of her family and her life today. In her fantasies, we would all be there together with her. She appears to be trying to figure her family structure and how it all fits together. The picture at the top of this entry is of my parents with Aurora and Allegra. An example of how the circles overlap.

What will be important to watch is how she feels when she goes through the process of creating her family tree and preparing her presentation. I suspect that it will be experienced in two parts. The preparation then the presentation. Both will evoke completely different emotions. I know for myself, I found this project very difficult when I was in 4th grade. My own mother died when I was in the 3rd grade and so it was not quite one year later that I, as a young child, saw on paper how my family had changed and then had to present this to everyone in the class. Like Aurora, I was very alert and aware and was fully bought into the 'being like everyone else' phase of life. As such, this exercise was a big stretch. It highlighted so clearly that I was 'not like everyone else' which made me feel awkward and that I really stood out in the group. I cannot remember which I found more challenging, feeling different or having to revisit the lose of my mother in such an objective way. Being very aware, I tried so hard to 'figure it all out' and was even more distressed that I really did not know what was going on inside of me!

The good news is that I got though it and so will Aurora. We are different people and our mothers died in different ways so anything can happen. Her teacher, very sensitive to this herself has already been in contact with us and we are talking about how to work together to support Aurora with this project. It truly is amazing that we both have first hand experience with death and young children. Remarkable under the circumstance.

We will guide her through this project and she will learn a lot about herself and her linage and hopefully really enjoy that process, as it is so fascinating. With luck, she will find it so interesting, that it will lessen those feelings of being 'different' and she will experience it for what it is, a study of the family. If not, all we can do is support and know that this phase is about growing up and being a kid, which is what life is all about.

Meeting the New Teacher - Parallels

2009-08-23T21:14:00.000-07:00

We had our first official meeting with the Aurora's class teacher on Monday 3 August at 11:00am. Amy, the teacher, had written to all of the parents asking to come and visit at home prior to the start of the school year. She wanted to get to know the pupil and see them in their 'natural habitat'.

Well, as mentioned, we had just signed the lease and completed the documentation on Saturday but were still staying out at the beach looking after Chloe. So, the house which had also been handed over unclean was filled with boxes, no appliances and no furniture with the exception of a built in window seat and two kid desk chairs. That was it. Oh, and we had brought the dog with us as she had come back from her walk soaking wet and could not be left in the house.

We incorrectly believed that Amy would be arriving at 11:30 so we showed up at the house at around 10:50 thinking we would have time to clean a bit and make a trip to Peet's coffee for some refreshments. We had intended to get their much earlier but as they say in show businesses, 'kids and animals'. We were delayed.

At 11:00 sharp, Amy arrived. Into chaos. Dog running around the new house checking it out, the girls also as they really love the space and had not had the chance to properly explore, boxes, dirty floors, no refreshments, me as a first time parent hoping to at least pretend that I am in charge and capable of managing a household and family!

So there we stood. The girls got to her first and promptly introduced themselves. That fortunately went very well. Then it was our turn. However, I was busily digging through boxes trying to find teas, cups or mugs or something that we could use to at least offer Amy a glass of water! To no avail. So, I abandoned the plan and introduced myself to Amy and offer her a seat on the window bench. I then went in search of Aurora and Allegra, pressed some money into their hands and sent them off to Peet's on their own. Their first adventure into town without their parents! However, it was no time to worry about their safety, their ability to manage change or carry hot drinks because we had a guest to entertain. Who was observing us in our surroundings!! So off they went.

I then sat down and joined Sven and Amy who were already deep in discussion. Sven then paused and said to Amy that as we were all alone without children around, there were a few things he wanted to discuss. Then he turned to me and said, 'why don't you begin, darling?'

The topic that I was then tasked to bring up is a very serious one indeed. As you may or may not know, the girls lost their mother to cancer a few years ago. One of the main reasons for this move to California is that we are committed to raising them to be healthy, well-balanced and happy people and know that a fresh start can truly help make this possible. As I too lost my mother at a young age, I know first hand how important it is to allow children to do what they do best and that is to live. A new location can offer so much possibility for some of those sad reminders that are embodied in locations, buildings, places, people, local events etc. They will always be special but not being reminded about them every day can keep from holding one back.

Amy very sadly lost her husband to cancer three weeks prior to the birth of her second child. This was pointed out to us during out interview process in May and presented as being perfect for Aurora. We actually do not entirely agree and this is what we knew that this meeting would offer us an opportunity to discuss this directly with Amy.

So, as Sven said, over to me. How do you start such a conversation? As I sat there collecting my thoughts for a few moments, two things came instantly to mind: firstly, as a child, my teacher used to point out that my mother had died in front of the entire class and on more than on occasion. For me, this was the most deeply upsetting thing as it not only reminded me of something I was having to live with ever day but pointed out how I differed from everyone else. Secondly, I also thought about Aurora and the fact that she too had already experienced such an incident in her previous school and was equally devastated by the experience. I now had a chance to prevent it from happening again.

So I sat up straight and began. I expressed my sympathy for Amy and her situation then presented our position very clearly. We do not want Aurora to be treated differently as she has lost her mother nor do we even want it to be a priority. What we want to focus on the fact that she has two loving parents, a strong and loving family and godparents and a whole life ahead of her to live fully. Etc. It was a tough conversation to have, as it is not without huge amounts of empathy, personal reflection, sadness but the fact remains that life goes on and a parent, it needed to be discussed.

Amy totally agreed. She was very grateful to us for our candor and felt that we had established a strong basis from which to begin.

At this point, the girls arrived home triumphant from their outing and it was the perfect opportunity to transition the conversation to other things.

An hour later, Amy was shown around the house by Aurora and took her leave. Aurora is thrilled to have met her and already is certain that she is going to like her.

As for Sven and I, we felt too that both our daughter's academic education and emotional development are in safe hands.

I am also relieved that the state of our house in the end did not even feature.

Post from Camp

2009-08-10T21:21:00.000-07:00

The girls have been away now for over two weeks. Their absence is really being felt particularly as we have no way of speaking with them as that is strictly forbidden! So we really have no idea how it is going. The only form of communication available to us is letter writing or the good old US postal service.

For Sven this period has been particularly long as Maya too has been away in the wilds of Canada and completely out of radio contact. This is the first time he has been unable to contact any of his three girls and it is an adjustment for him, as it would be for any father!

Sven and I hoped that the little girls might write. After the end of the second week, we were beginning to lose hope and had to wonder if we would hear anything at all! Then, Saturday morning, a very small envelope arrived. It was from camp.

Sven put the letter down on the table as we were finishing our lunch. He did not open it. After a little while, I finally said, 'Are you going to open that letter any time soon?' 'Oh!' He said, 'of course. Do you want to do the honours'? As if he had really forgotten about it!

I took the much-anticipated little letter and opened it. Imagine, the envelope was no bigger than 4" by 4". The letter inside had been folded down to be no more than the size of a quarter dollar.

I unfolded the small piece of paper and began to read:

'Dear Papa,

Do you know Zooey' address?

Please write back if you know her address.

Much love

Allegra'

That was it. We just had to laugh.

We have since received two more pieces of communication from Allegra. A slightly longer letter and another small envelop that was short .79cents postage with two seashells and another request for an address. This time for Savannah's.

We heard from Aurora yesterday. Maya is also back in the UK and has been in touch.

Papa is feeling much better now and by all accounts, Camp is going very well.